Untitled All the chapters
by Miclady313
Summary: What would have happend if Buffy had sent Angelus to hell at the end of season two instead of Angel? How would his returning to earth affect her life?
1. Part 1

Buffy walked slowly through the stone mansion that had been empty for months. The last time she had been here was when she had saved the world, and sent Angelus, formally Angel, her one true love, to hell. But now it was time to let go. Angel was never coming back. At least while Angelus was still on Earth, there was a chance that he would revert to Angel again, but now, he was suffering hundreds of thousands of years in hell for all the things he had done wrong. And while Angel didn't deserve that, Angelus did. Buffy walked into the main living room, the room in which Acathla had stood months before, the room in which she sent her lover and torturer to hell. The only noise was the sound of her heeled sandals hitting the stone floor with each step. But Acathla was gone now. Giles had shipped him off to a far region of Africa where he was least likely to be dug up again. The room was empty, save for a couch, love seat and coffee table. The fireplace was free from logs and only a bit of soot still sat on the bottom, the rest picked up by the wind. Once in the center of the room, she knelt. Buffy blinked back the tears. This was finally good-bye. Buffy had kept hope alive that Angel would come back to her, that everything that had happened after her seventeenth birthday and her first and only night with Angel was all a nightmare. But now she knew she had to let go. Angel would always be in her heart, she would always love him; she didn't know if she would ever really truly love another. But now, she had to move on with her life; she couldn't let the horrible things that had happened between her and Angel or Angelus stop her from living; they had already taken too much of her life from her. Buffy opened her hand and held out the silver Claddagha ring that Angel had given her the night of her birthday. She looked at it for a moment, and didn't want to ever put it down. It seemed to shimmer in the dim light that shown in from the windows high above her. She sniffed and blinked a few times before placing the ring on the ground in front of her. "Good-bye," she said softly, her voice cracking. She stood and looked around. Everything was the same as it was before she came, except for the ring sitting in the center of the room. She turned and walked away quickly, before she could change her mind and turned back.  
  
~ As Buffy left, the sun set on the mansion. The inside was bathed in darkness. While the sun still shown off the hills in the distance, its faint glow didn't penetrate the heavy walls. It was then that the floor began to shake ever so slightly. No one would have noticed it, had anyone been there, when it had started. But soon, it was like an earthquake, although nothing around the main living room in the mansion moved. Then suddenly, a bright blue-white light emitted from the ring on the floor. The light grew, and as it did, so did the shaking. And then from nowhere, a figure dropped, shaking and naked. He lay on the ground, seizing. His body was battered and bruised, and perspiration shown on his pale skin. He blinked several times trying to see where he was. He let out a savage growl as memories began to fill his animalistic brain. And the only coherent thought that formed in his mind was Find the Slayer.  
  
~  
  
Patrolling was a good way to take her mind off of the many problems in her life. Buffy was thankful that she had someway to relieve herself of the tense emotions cursing through her. But today, no matter how many minions from hell she killed, her mind was not clearing. Thoughts of Angel still raced through her mind. She had finally said good-bye, but somehow she felt that wasn't enough. Angel would always be with her, but she needed to rid Angelus from her. Buffy wandered out of the cemetery and into the woods. She could see perfectly and knew exactly where she was going, but she stumbled over a rock due to lack of concentration. She got her balance and continued on her way, paying more attention to where she was going. There was no one in the woods- vampire or human- and only a few squirrels and birds occupied the trees. When an owl hooted, Buffy turned and went into a fighting stance, looked for enemies, then took a deep breath and continued walking. As she neared a small clearing in the woods, she heard a twig snap. She stopped and looked around, the decided it was just a squirrel. But as she began to walk again, she heard another snap, and then another, and she knew she wasn't alone. She pulled her stake out of her coat pocket and began a slow circle around herself, her eyes open and ready for attacks. And then it happened. A figure came flying out of the bushes at her. She didn't get a good look at the thing at first, but she could tell that it was a male, and that it was naked. As the figure ran at her, she easily flipped him over her shoulder and onto he ground behind her. But as she turned, her attacker was already up again. Buffy froze when she looked into the face of her attacker. Angel. He was in full vamp face and his body was bruised, but she knew it was him. He rushed at her and when she wasn't ready for the attack, he knocked her down. They rolled over each other for a while, each trying to get the upper hand. Buffy finally got up and Angel followed her move. He punched, but she avoided it. He was weak and unfocused, his only thought was to find Buffy and his primitive mind told him to kill. Buffy side stepped his next advance and then landed a heavy punch in his jaw, sending him to the ground. He rolled, about to get up, but fell unconscious in the next second. Buffy stared at him, still trying to make sense of everything that had happened. She fought to catch her breath. Finally she was about to steady herself, and she hit Angel again hard in the head, to make sure he wouldn't wake for a while. Then she grabbed his arm and began to drag his naked body though the woods toward the mansion.  
  
~  
  
Once Buffy got him to the mansion, she dug through Dru's old chest and found a pair of her handcuffs. Buffy did her best not to think about what the insane vampire had done with them as she tied up Angel. After Buffy had him bound, she sat down and looked at him. He looked awful. Bleeding cuts and scrapes, bruises and burns covered his body, some of which had been caused by their fight earlier. His body looked lifeless in its unconscious state. Buffy sat for a while and thought. She decided that this was Angelus, not Angel. Angelus was the one that she had sent to hell, so she assumed he would be the one sent back. Finally, Buffy looked at her watch. It was just past eleven. Angelus was still asleep, and judging from his poor fight, he wouldn't be strong enough to break through the chains when he awoke. Normally she was pretty sure he would have been able to break the handcuffs without a second thought. She had questions and she wanted answers, but that meant she would have to leave him alone. It wouldn't be light for another few hours, so if she left and he got loose, he could still go out and kill. But she knew that if she was here when he awoke, he could kill her. So she decided to leave, and hope that when Angelus woke, that he would either be too weak to escape, or have enough common sense to realize that it wouldn't be a good idea.  
  
~  
  
Buffy walked through the swinging doors to the Sunnydale High library. Xander sat on the table in the middle of the room, reading comic books to werewolf Oz, who paced in the weapon's cage, snarling every so often. Buffy walked slowly toward Xander. Once she was right behind him, she tapped him lightly on the shoulder, causing him to jump off the table. "Buffy," he said, turning to face her, trying to catch his breath. "God, you really shouldn't do that." "Sorry," she said. "I um, got kinda bored so I figured I'd let you off of Oz duty." She placed her coat on the table. "Why, Buffy," Xander said in a fake voice. "That's so nice. I think I'll take you up on that offer and go see if Cordy's still up." Buffy gave him a look, and he blushed. "So I can um, read her a comic." He held up the comics he had brought with him. "What ever you do with Cordy is fine, Xand," said Buffy. "As long as I don't have to know about it." She smiled and Xander grabbed his stuff and took off. Buffy took a breath and ran her hands through her hair. She looked around before she walked over to the card catalog, and pulled out the whole section labeled, uncategorized books. They were categorized; it was just that the students weren't aloud to take out books on demons. She looked through it until she found the books on Acathla. Buffy researched for hours until sleep got the best of her and she fell asleep in a chair with three books on her lap, and a few more scattered around her. She hadn't found any answers.  
  
~  
  
When Giles walked into the library the next morning, he was greatly perplexed by the site that lay before him. Xander, who was supposed to be on Oz duty, was no where to be seen, and Buffy was asleep in a chair on the upper level of the library, books on her lap and a drawer from the card catalog sitting at her feet. Giles didn't know if Buffy even knew what a card catalog was, let alone how to use one. Giles placed his coat and bag on the table, glancing at Oz who was asleep on the floor of the cage. He then walked over to Buffy. He carefully picked up one of the books on her lap. Realm of Acathla. Giles's brow furrowed. What was Buffy doing with books on Acathla? Giles was about to reach for another book, when Buffy began to wake up. Her eyes opened, and it took Buffy a second to figure out where she was. After a second her eyes met Giles's and her mind worked quickly to make up a good lie about the books. "Good morning," said Giles. "Hi," said Buffy. She lifted the books off her lap onto the floor and stood, straitening her clothes. "You're probably wondering what I'm doing with all these books." Giles nodded. "Thought so." Buffy tried to think of something to tell him. She couldn't tell him about Angel being back, not until she knew for sure if he had a soul or not. There was no way she would tell Giles if it were Angelus who was back. "I uh." Buffy began. "Buffy I know what you're doing," said Giles. Shock crossed Buffy's face. What if Angel had gotten out of the chains and Giles had seen him? "You do?" she asked. She did her best to keep her face innocent. "Yes," said Giles. "You want to find out of there is any way to bring Angel, your Angel, back form hell." Buffy relax. He didn't know. Her secret was safe. "Yeah," she lied. "Is it possible? For him to come back, as Angel, I mean?" "I've never heard of anyone returning from a demon dimension." Giles leaned against the stair railing. "It might be possible, but I don't think so. Even if we could bring him back, I highly doubt it would be as Angel. And, as much as you love Angel, I think it would be better to have Angelus in hell, rather then here on earth, reminding you of Angel." Buffy only nodded, emotion taking over too much of her.  
  
~  
  
Buffy went though the rest of the day mindlessly. She could barely concentrate on any of her friends, her thoughts on what was waiting for her at the mansion. Everyone had asked what was wrong, and she had simply told them she hadn't gotten any sleep last night. When the last bell finally rang, she grabbed her stuff and hurried out to the school. She would deal with Giles and Willow and Xander later. She has to make sure Angel was still chained up. Buffy walked as quickly as possible to the mansion, taking every shortcut she knew about. When she finally entered the stone building, she slowed and became more aware of her surroundings. She walked slowly into the main living room. Angelus was hunched over, him arms hung above his body by the manacles. His wounds appeared to be healing, but he was still pretty battered up. His eyes were tightly closed. Buffy hesitantly walked closer. He was still naked, and she did her best to avert her eyes. She stopped once she was right in front of him. He looked dead, and the only way Buffy knew he wasn't was that he was still solid, and couldn't fit into an ashtray. Buffy was about to reach out and touch him, when his eyes opened. Buffy jumped back almost a foot. "Slayer," he hissed. His voice was filled with hatred and loathing, and playfulness. It shattered all her hope. "Angelus," Buffy said back. There was no doubt in her mind that it was he. There were no kind emotions in his voice, no sign of her love. "I see you've changed tactics while I was gone. I never imagined you'd get into bondage." A smug, sadistic smile crossed his lips and he knew he was hurting her. "I see you've gotten a hold on yourself," said Buffy evenly, pretending that his comment meant nothing. "Well, I was sitting here, trying to figure out how to get out of these chains, when everything started to come back me." He paused. "I remember our fight and you sending me to Hell. I'm gonna have to thank you for that, Buff. That is, of course, after I get out of these chains." He pulled down on them, but they didn't budge form their secured place on the wall. He was still weak, even though his threats gave no sign of it. "I don't think so," said Buffy. "There is no way I'm going to let you go out there and kill." "How you gonna stop me, Buff? Kill me?" He laughed, a cruel and evil laugh. "You can't. You couldn't before, and you can't now. You sent me to Hell, but you can't kill me." Buffy took a deep breath and hoped she wouldn't brake down. Because part of her knew that what he was saying was true. She couldn't kill him, because she would also be killing her Angel, and she could never live with that. "Like I said before," she said as she kicked her foot out. It connected solidly with his head, knocking him unconscious once again. "Just give me time."  
  
~  
  
Buffy had found a pair of pants in one of the bedrooms and slipped them on to him. She couldn't stand to see him naked for another second, because it only seemed to turn her on. As much as she hated it, it was Angel's body, and she was attracted to it, even if it was possessed by a soulless, heartless demon. Even with pants on, one look at his naked chest, and heat flooded her. So she left. She figured that she had hit Angel hard enough to leave him unconscious for a few hours, plus he was weak, so he should be fine until morning. But Buffy wasn't fine. She didn't know what to do. If it were Angel who had come back, she would have told her friends right away. But this was different. If she told her friends that Angelus was back, they would freak, and then they would go to kill him. And get themselves killed in the process. Buffy couldn't let that happen. She couldn't take the chance of her friends getting killed, yet she couldn't kill Angel. But she couldn't let him go free, and she couldn't keep him chained up here forever either. Millions of ideas, along with their pro's and cons, were swimming in her head, but none of them made any sense in the long run. He mind was unfocused. Every emotion was running though her, like lightening, pain and hurt at the top of the list. Seeing Angel hurt. It would have been easier if he had stayed in hell. Then she wouldn't have to see him and know that it wasn't really him, that it was a soulless demon that wanted to kill her. It hurt her to know that every time she saw him, she would have to fight him, and one of those times, she would have to kill him. But Buffy couldn't think about that. She had to do something to take her mind off everything.  
  
So, after lots of contemplating, she headed to the Bronze. Willow and Xander would most likely be there, and even if they weren't she could sit and not think. So, dressed in a tight, low neck red tank, black leather mini, and heeled boots, she walked to the only club in Sunnydale that let everyone, and anyone, in. As she got closer, she could hear the pulsating music carry on the breeze. Once at the door, she paid the cover charge to the bouncer, ignoring the suggestive looks he gave her, and made her way threw the throngs of people toward the bar. She ordered a Coke and headed toward the stage.  
  
Buffy knew she was getting looks from the guys. She just smiled innocently and danced by the stage. The music was slow and seductive, yet had a steady beat. She moved her hips saucily, not paying attention to the people moving around her, just letting the music flow over her. Then, she felt it. The feeling she got whenever Angel was around. It was like an arrow going threw her heart, burning and poisonous. It used to fill her with joy, now it filled her with dread. There was no way Angel could be here. He was chained to the wall, unconscious, at the mansion. But the feeling wouldn't go away.  
  
Buffy began to look around. She walked toward the center of the dance floor, her senses alert. Then she saw him. He stood by the stairs dressed in red velvet and black leather. People passed between them, but their eyes were locked and didn't see anyone else of hear the sounds around them. From where she was, Buffy could see that most of the wounds on his face where healed or healing. She bet his body was the same. Buffy quickly moved toward him, pushing people out of her way. She had to do something.  
  
When she reached him, a smug, seductive smile had crossed his sensuous mouth. His arms crossed his chest, and there was a clear sign that he knew he had won this round. Angel 1:Buffy 0. But that didn't mean Buffy wasn't far behind.  
  
"How." Buffy began. She reached behind her to the back pocket of her skirt for a stake, and then remembered she hadn't grabbed one on the way out of the house. How stupid, she thought. Why not just throw myself to a fanged out vampire and beg him to bite me.  
  
"How did I get out?" He laughed. Buffy cringed. The cruelty was evident in both his laugh and voice. "Buff, you've got to learn to check the pockets." He held up the key to the manacles that he had been locked in when she left him. Buffy's eyes went wide and her jaw dropped. Angel 2:Buffy still: 0. Angel played with the small key. "Dru must have left it in there from one of our games," he said offhand. He knew that it stung Buffy to hear that. "Speaking of which, where is my little insane bitch?"  
  
Buffy took a deep breath to keep herself from fainting. She felt lightheaded and hoped this was all a dream. "Leave, go back to he mansion, or I'll kill you. And if you touch anyone, I'll make sure it's a long, and painful death." Buffy did her best to look menacing, but inside, she was shaking. She was scared as hell, but she was also excited. She knew Angel well enough to know that she never knew what he was going to do next. She was never sure if he would try to kill her, or try to kiss her. But then again, in their case, wasn't it the same thing?  
  
"Buff," he said, softly. His voice was low and husky, and sexy. She hated herself for it, but she wanted him to kiss her. "I'm not here to kill. Or fight." He swept a piece of blond hair off her face. She didn't stop him, but fought to not melt at him touch. "I just went through hundreds of years of torture. All I want to do now is dance." He took her hand and led her to a secluded corner of the club.  
  
"I never said I wanted to dance," said Buffy as Angel wrapped his strong arms around her small waist.  
  
"You don't have to," he whispered into her ear. His voice was smooth as silk, like honey. "I could feel you the minute I entered the building. You're hot as hell Buffy. And I know its me that has you turned on." Angelus pulled her arms around his neck.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes. He was right. Even after Angel turned, seeing him turned her on like no other man could. He put her senses on full alert, and sent chills threw her. He teased her mercilessly, then walked away, leaving her unfulfilled. She hated him for it, but even more she hated herself for wanting him.  
  
Angel's hands moved back to her hips and slid around to rest on the small of her back. Buffy began to move her hips, grinding against him sensually, and she asked herself what she was doing. She should be trying to kill him right now, to run away and to fight, but something about with was pulling her to him and she couldn't escape. He turned off all here rational thoughts. Buffy knew part of it was because she just wanted to be held in Angel's arms, and if she closed her eyes, she could pretend that it was Angel's arms who encircled her and Angel's body she moved against. And while imagining she was with Angel was the most perfect thing in the world, it was also the most dangerous, when in reality, it was a killer who held her.  
  
Angel began to whisper in her ear, his voice deep and his unneeded breathe tantalizing her. "See Buff, as much as you hate it, you want me, need me, as much, if not more, than Soul Boy. When you fight me, there's more passion in each move, each touch, than the light kisses you two shared." Angel slid one hand up into her hair, gripping the roots, sending shots of pain down her body. He used the other hand to pull her up and into him. Buffy's breath rushed out of her, part in fear, part in anticipation. "And I promise you this, before I kill you, I will have you again, and when you come, it will be my name you scream, not Angel's." He kissed her then, quick but fierce. His tongue plunged into her mouth, teasing hers, and she gasped for air. Then he was gone, and Buffy grasped onto a chair to keep form falling. 


	2. Part 2

Buffy made a quick run through the cemetery after her encounter with Angel, but he was nowhere to be seen and there were no dead bodies. So she headed home in the same trance she had been in since Angel's lips had touched hers in that fevered kiss. Her mind was still reeling. She was still trying to process what happened. She didn't know why he had kissed her. Before she sent him to hell, they had kissed once, under a spell, and he had been disgusted. Why would he kiss her now, with such force, such want, and promise her of how he wanted her?  
  
When she got home, she went strait to bed, but sleep eluded her. She tossed and turned for hours. When she finally drifted off only one hour before dawn, she was plagued with dreams of making lover to Angel, only to have them end with Angelus in her arms, his fangs embedded in her throat. When she woke, her body was hot and slick with perspiration.  
  
After showering and telling her mother she wasn't hungry after Joyce tried to get her to eat a bowl of cereal, she walked to school quickly and burst into the library. She snatched up the paper and began to scan for articles on any killings from last night. Finding nothing, she sighed with relief as Willow walked through the swinging doors.  
  
"Hi, Buffy," said Willow cheerily.  
  
"What, nothing. Oh, hi," said Buffy in a rush. She instantly scolded herself for being so jumpy. "What's up?"  
  
"Nothing," said Willow sitting down in one of the chairs at the table in the center of the room. "Any sign of Giles?"  
  
"Nope," said Buffy sitting down across from her. "Faculty meeting I think. Why?"  
  
"I was doing some reading last night on Acathla, and I think I might have found a way to make the portal unopenable." Willow pulled a book out of her bag and slid it across the table to Buffy.  
  
"Oh, that's good," said Buffy, not touching the book. She looked down at her hands.  
  
~ As far as Buffy was concerned, the day didn't go by fast enough. Each class seemed to go by slower than the last, until finally she had training with Giles, and of course, that just flew by.  
  
"Buffy, you're not focusing," said Giles, exhausted and exasperated, right after Buffy punched his right arm. "You're doing little things so I can tell what move your going to pull next." Buffy tried to punch him harder, but Giles blocked her. "Like that time, I could tell you were going to punch with that arm because you threw your shoulder back. That can give your opponent the upper hand."  
  
Buffy sighed and stepped back, running her hands threw her sweat drenched hair. All day she had been plagued with thoughts of Angel. She hadn't eaten all day and she was surprised her body wasn't shaking from emptiness. She was hot and tired, and sick of training. "Giles, I'm just having a bad day today, okay? Can we just stop now?"  
  
"Buffy, vampires aren't going to care if your having a bad day. They will still attack." Giles began to take off his padding gear and place it on the table.  
  
"Fine, I get it," said Buffy. "Can I go now? I have somewhere to be." She wanted to go and make sure Angel hadn't killed last night. She knew she couldn't kill him, but she could still protect people from him.  
  
~  
  
Twenty minutes later, Buffy was standing in a fighting stance across from Angel. She had walked in and had immediately been attacked by him. She had fought back, but now her legs and arms ached and she was tired, but she wouldn't let him see that.  
  
Angel kicked his leg out and Buffy sidestepped, but Angel, knowing she would do that, turned and swept his leg down, hitting her knees, and bringing her to the ground. She hit the floor hard, knocking the wind out of her. As she fought to breathe, Angel straddled her hips and placed both hands around her neck. His smile was one of pleasure, and cruelty. "I don't want to hurt you, Buff," he said softly. Buffy squirmed, trying to get loose, and Angel tightened his grip. Buffy let out a muffled shriek. "Well, not that badly, at least." He tightened his grip again until Buffy saw dots behind her eyes and was about to pass out, then he released her at the last second. Buffy gasped for air as his hands slid down to the shoulders.  
  
Buffy tried to get him off her, but he was too strong, despite the fact he was still weak form just returning form hell. She hadn't eaten all day and she was still tired from training. Angel's hands slid down over her breast and to her hips. As he moved his hands, Buff's gasped for air became sighs. She hated the way her body reacted to his touch.  
  
"See," he said. His voice was calm and soothing, filled with passion and desire. Buffy closed her eyes and took a deep breath. Her mind was fogged over with want. "I can be gentle." He stroked his hands back up her body to the neckline of her shirt. It was low, showing just enough skin. Angel ran his hands along it, and Buffy gasped. She began to struggle again.  
  
If she didn't stop this now, she knew where they would be headed. Angel moved his body down so he straddled her knees. Buffy thrust her right knee up into his groin, and he rolled off her in pain. Buffy was up in second. She kicked him back, sending his head to the ground with a sickly smack. Buffy placed her heeled foot against his throat. Had he been human, she would have cut off his air supply. Instead he struggled weakly, still in pain form his lower body injuries.  
  
Buffy was in fighting stance and ready to react if he escaped. "Unfortunately, Angel, I'm not that gentle." Her tone was harsh and defiant. She pressed her foot down harder, then up, smashing his head into the floor, hard. His eyes rolled back in his head before they shut.  
  
~  
  
Buffy sat on the couch, fiddling with the key, waiting for Angel to wake up. After she knocked him out, she chained up again, this time hands and feet, and checked to make sure he didn't' have the extra key hidden on him anywhere. Now, she waited for him to wake up. She was sure he was faking it, vampires didn't usually stay unconscious for that long, but he was weak, so she wasn't sure. After waiting ten more minutes, though, she was tired of sitting there, and she got up and walked over to him. When she was a foot away his eyes opened. He growled, savage and evil, like an enraged tiger. He lunged at her, but only moved a few inches. Still Buffy moved back.  
  
"Bitch!" he yelled at her. "Let me out, now." Buffy said nothing, just dangled the key in his face. Angel threw every curse and obscenity her way, in both English and Gaelic, struggling, lunging, and fighting to get loose. He was acting like a wild dog that had been tied up. After about ten minutes, however, he gave up. He said, in a saccharin sweet voice, "Come on, Buff. Let me out, you know you want to."  
  
"What I want, Angel, is to make sure my friends and the residents of this town are safe. Safe from you. And since I can't kill you, not yet at least, I guess I'll just have to leave you chained up here for a while." She dropped the key in her pocket, and then turned on her heel to leave.  
  
As she left she could hear him yell, "Bitch!"  
  
~  
  
Everyday for a week Buffy went to see him. During that week, she had been putting herself threw hell. She was plaque with nightmares about his escaping, then going to her and raping her until she bled and begged him to stop. Then he would say, "Angel wouldn't do this, would he?" She's wake up drenched in sweat, chills running threw her. She'd been so nervous that he had escaped, that she hadn't been able to concentrate during class and she hadn't eaten much. The thought of food turned her stomach.  
  
Angel also hadn't eaten in over a week, plus he was weak form just being released form hell. He had given up on fighting. Sometimes when Buffy saw him, weak and chained up, she almost felt sorry for him. She almost believed that it was her Angel chained up there, and more than anything, she wanted to let him out. Then reality hit. Her nightmares played over in her head and she turned cold.  
  
Nine days after he returned, Buffy visited him, as usual, to make sure he hadn't gotten out. But this time, she brought blood, fresh from the butcher.  
  
When she entered the room, Angel looked like her was sleeping. But when she placed the plastic container of blood in front of him, his eyes snapped open. A low growl erupted form his chest as he looked from the blood to her face.  
  
"What's this?" he asked.  
  
Buffy picked up the container. She waked over to the plush sofa across the room. She sat down and placed the plastic container on the coffee table in front of her. "I've come to a conclusion. I can't kill you myself. And for some reason, it hurts me too much to see Angel's body looking like that, even if it's you in it." She paused. Even with the nightmares, she could still see him as the man she loved, even if it was only skin deep. "So, I am going to give you this," she said, gesturing to the blood. "You haven't eaten since you returned, and I don't know how your still alive, but this should keep you around for another week. But there's one condition. I will continue to bring you blood weekly, to keep you alive, but still weak. And if for some reason, you should manage to get out, you promise not to be seen by my friends and you promise not to hurt them."  
  
"Why should I do what you say?" he asked.  
  
"Because," she said, getting up. She walked saucily over to him. "My friends are a part of me, and if you hurt them, you hurt me." She opened the container of blood and moved it close to his face. He could smell the deep aroma of it, even though it wasn't human, and closed his eyes. After a moment she pulled it away and his eyes opened. "And if you hurt me, there's not chance you'll ever get this," she paused, then said in a breathy voice, "or me."  
  
~  
  
Buffy might as well have sold her soul to the devil. She had practically just given herself to Angel in exchange for her friends' lives. And while the trade wasn't that bad- her friends lived and she got sex with Angel's body- it was immoral. After Buffy had fed him the blood, she left, disgusted with him, as well as herself. She knew she couldn't kill him, and this was the easy was out. Buffy almost never took the easy was out, and she hated that this was the exception.  
  
It was a late Saturday night. Buffy made a quick sweep of the cemetery near her house before heading home. When she walked in the door, she saw her mother sitting on the couch in the living room curled up with a cup of coffee. Joyce looked up from the TV as Buffy entered the room. "Oh, hi Buffy."  
  
"Mom," said Buffy, "what are you still doing up?" Buffy's mom had found out Buffy was the Slayer last year, and she was till adjusting to it. Every once and a while, Buffy came home to find her mother awake and waiting for her.  
  
Joyce began to get up. "I just wanted to make sure you came home okay. Is there anything wrong with a mother being concerned for her daughter's safety?"  
  
"No, but mom," Buffy began. Then she shook her head and sighed. She raised her hand in defeat. "You know what, forget it." Buffy was about to walk up the stairs when her mother spoke.  
  
"No, Buffy. What is it? Tell me. Is something wrong? You're looking thinner than normal; have you even been eating?"  
  
Buffy looked at her mother a second before speaking. She ignored her comments on Buffy's eating habits and answered the first part of the question. "Mom, I know you don't want to, but you're going to have to accept that I'm the Slayer. And you can't stay up every night worrying."  
  
"Buffy, I'm your mother. It's my job to worry about you and keep you safe. But you know what? I can't keep you safe when you're out until all hours of the night fighting demons." Joyce's voice was shaky, but still strong.  
  
"I know you hate this... what I am, but you're going to have to deal. We all do." Buffy turned and walked up the stairs.  
  
Her mother was left to stair at the spot where her daughter stood moments ago, and hear the door slam.  
  
~  
  
Soon a month had gone by and Buffy's life had fallen into a pattern. She would wake up, got to school, train with Giles, visit Angel, patrol, sleep -her nightmares were coming less frequently-, then start the whole thing over again. She had managed to keep Angel being back a secret. But she knew her friends were beginning to think something was up. She knew she looked different, tired, thin, and pale, all of which were contributed to the fact she almost never got more than 4 hours of sleep, and she only ate when someone forced food down her throat. Most of her thoughts were on Angel, and when she saw him, she had to remind herself that he was evil, because more and more he seemed more like Angel.  
  
While they still exchanged fervid worlds, Angel seemed less hostile and homicidal then when he first returned. Buffy simply contributed it to the fact that she was bringing him blood and that was keeping him alive. But it was barely keeping him alive. He was thinner and pale than he should be. He was only getting a pint of blood a week, and it wasn't even human, and she didn't think he had fully recovered from his time in hell. Buffy thought of bringing him more blood, then decided against it, reminding herself that she was harboring a truculent killer, not her true love.  
  
Everyday when Buffy woke up, after a nigh of horrid dreams or only an hour of sleep because she was to afraid of what could happen if she dosed off, she decided that today was the day she would finally kill Angel, that she was finally strong enough to do it. She went through the day, telling herself she could do it, but the minute she walked in there, and saw him, her heart jumped in her throat and she realized that she couldn't do it, not yet. So she pushed the thought of killing him to the back of her mind for another day.  
  
~  
  
One day, as Buffy was leaving school, she got the feeling she got whenever a vampire was around, like her skin was itching. Her first thought was of Angel, but the feeling wasn't strong enough, so she relaxed a bit. But the fact that there was a vampire lurking on school grounds, in daylight, unnerved her. She began to look around, searching for places that vamps could hide from the sun, but there was nothing. She was standing in the open courtyard, the only haven from the sun a few small trees. Her brow furrowed as she looked around again. Then she saw him.  
  
Spike.  
  
Standing in he middle of the courtyard, in direct sunlight, talking to a blonde freshman, was Spike, public enemy number 2, right after Angel. Spike's platinum hair was so bright as the sun reflected off it, it was blinding. Buffy let out her breath she didn't even know she had been holding. Then she dropped her bag and ran, as fast as she could, toward the vampire.  
  
Spike looked up just in time to see her fist connect with his nose. He stumbled back in pain, growling. "Slayer," he said. Buffy expected him to vamp out, but he remained in his human visage. But nothing about his eyes was human. They were savage, and cruel, and tinted with playfulness. "So nice to see you again," he said, his British accent laced with sarcasm.  
  
"Wish I could say the same," said Buffy assuming a fighting stance. "You shouldn't have come back Spike." As Buffy spoke, she assessed her problem. Spike was standing in direct sunlight without so much as a sizzle. Plus, they were surrounded by people, most of who were beginning to stare. She needed to get him away from everyone, or else someone might get hurt.  
  
"I shouldn't do a lot of things," said Spike, leering at her. "That doesn't mean I don't do them." He punched and she lunged, then landed and solid punch to his midsection. She then followed through by hitting him hard on the back sending him to the ground. She flipped him over, then, straddling his hips, she started to punch him. Spike only laughed. "Keep on squirming, love, keep it up."  
  
Buffy was disgusted. He was getting off on this. She did her best to keep her hips still as she continued to beat him. "You're" hit "a" hit "pig" hit "Spike." Buffy slapped him hard.  
  
"What's going on here?"  
  
Buffy froze. Her face paled as she looked up. "Principle Snyder." Buffy got off Spike quickly and stood. "Uh.we.I."  
  
"Just play between old friends," said Spike, standing beside her. He put his arm around her shoulder and reveled in the disgusted and horrified look on her face that showed threw her shock. "Yep, me and Summer's go way back."  
  
Buffy gave the principle her best fake smile and resisted the urge to elbow Spike in the gut.  
  
"Well, take your 'play' off my school grounds." Snyder gave Buffy a dirty look before turning on his heel and stalking away.  
  
Buffy waited until he was ten feet away before grabbing Spike's arm and flipping him over. She grabbed him by the collar of his duster, and dragged him toward the library, grabbing her bags on the way.  
  
~  
  
Buffy dragged Spike through the halls to Sunnydale High to the library, with many looks from the students who hadn't left yet, and many complaints, protests, and swears form Spike. Buffy held onto his duster collar tightly, forcing him to hunch over as he half walked half stumbled though the halls.  
  
As Buffy slammed though the swinging library doors, Giles looked up form behind the checkout counter. He dropped the books in his hands and walked out from behind the counter.  
  
Buffy dragged Spike to a chair and held his hands behind his back as if they were tied. "Look what I found in the courtyard. In direct sunlight."  
  
"Spike," Giles said. He began to reach for a stake.  
  
"Giles, down. Before we kill him, I think it would be helpful to figure out how he can stand in the sun without flaming." She looked around. "Rope?"  
  
"What? Uh, yes," said Giles. He disappeared into his office and reappeared a moment later with a length of rope in his hand. He passed it to Buffy, who began to tie Spike to the chair. She was surprised that he wasn't fighting too much. "So, you say he was just standing in the courtyard?"  
  
"Yep," said Buffy, standing up. "He was taking to some freshman. Snyder caught us fighting and then I dragged him here, literally. He shut up after a started to choke him." Buffy looked at the captive. Spike glowered up at her. If looks could kill.  
  
"You could just ask me how I can stand in sunlight without burning up," Spike said matter-a-fact.  
  
Buffy put her hands on her hips and rolled her eyes. "How come you can stand in sunlight, Spike?"  
  
Spike smiled like a five-year-old who had a secret. "Not telling."  
  
Buffy just looked at Giles. He handed her a stake, and she slammed it into Spikes chest. He laughed, but didn't turn to dust.  
  
Both Buffy and Giles gaped at him, wide-eyed.  
  
"Oh, look," he said. "You can't kill me." A sarcastic, teasing grin crossed his lips.  
  
"How." Buffy stated. She didn't know what else to say. Spike didn't die. He should have died. But he didn't. "How."  
  
Giles stepped forward. "The Gem. The Gem of Amara. You have it, don't you?" Spike laughed again.  
  
"Gem of Amara? What's that?" Buffy asked.  
  
"Basically, it's a gem, which you probably have picked up, that renders the wearer unkillable if the wearer is a vampire. He can walk in sunlight, be staked." Giles's voice faded out.  
  
"And can't be killed," Buffy finished.  
  
"Looks like someone's done their homework," Spike quipped up.  
  
"So, now what do we do with him?" asked Buffy. If Spike couldn't be killed, they were in deep trouble.  
  
"For now, we keep him tied up until we find out more about the Gem." As Giles spoke, he moved toward the stacks.  
  
Buffy looked at the clock on the wall. It was just past four. She still had to go check on Angel before having an early dinner with her mother and then meeting Willow and Xander at the Bronze. "Uh, Giles, if you don't need me, I've kinda got plans."  
  
"Right, um, you can go," called Giles from the stacks.  
  
"You don't want to stay here and keep me company?" asked Spike. His answer was a slap to the face before Buffy stalked out of the room. As the library doors closed behind her, she could hear his laughter ringing in her ears. God, she hated him. 


	3. Part 3

Buffy walked out of the woods and into the clearing that was "The Old Mansion". The place looked huge, stone and marble. Buffy had only seen about one third of the inside, since Angel still had two of the three wings boarded up. There was an alter-like fireplace in almost every room. Buffy walked up the steps and into the walled in garden, which led to the main living room. The tall pillars and walls had dead rose vines crawling up them, and crisped leaves floated on the floor in the light breeze.  
  
Buffy walked slowly toward the center, leaves crushing beneath her feet, to the fountain in the middle. It had been drained of water and now was filled with decay. Buffy wondered, as she sat hesitantly on the decaying stone -everything in the mansion was stone- edge, why this fountain was empty, but the small water fountain on the wall was flowing with crystal water.  
  
She looked around, almost as if she had never seen the place before, but one of the most tragic events of her life had taken place in this horrid place. She ran her hand along the stone, reveling in its feel. It was smooth, cold, and hard, like Angel's body.  
  
She remembered the first time she had ever touched him, when he had been stabbed in the ribs by the Three. She hadn't known he was a vampire, and she was caught off guard by the coolness of his skin, as well as his beauty. He was perfect; every inch of him she had seen was like a dream. She remembered exactly where the cut had been across his stomach. Buffy remembered nursing him back to health after Spike had preformed the ritual to restore Dru, taking away his strength. And she remembered the night they made love. The way he had been gentle and soft, the opposite of how he had been in her nightmares. The way he asked her before he did anything, and the way he whispered his loved her. She remembered what it had been like to be under him, his cool body undulating above her. She remembered every kiss, every touch, every whisper, and she was haunted by it day and night, every dream and nightmare.  
  
Buffy could feel the tears begin to leak from her eyes. She tried to hide the tears from him, and she wished she could stop, that there was a limit on how many tears you could let fall for one person, but she couldn't stop. One tear led to another, and soon she was weeping into her hands. But the tears didn't make her feel any better.  
  
Finally she stopped and wiped her face. She sniffed and got up, hoping she looked presentable enough. She held her chin up and walked into the other room.  
  
Angel looked up at her the minute she walked into the room. He knew she had been in the other room. He had heard her crying. "Why lover, you're late," he said, feigning shock.  
  
"I was detained," she said. Buffy took a look at his pallor and thinness, and turned away to keep from crying again. "Okay, you're still breathing, so to speak, so I can go." She turned to leave as he spoke.  
  
"Leaving so soon? You just got here." Angel almost sounded like her wanted her to stay, but Buffy was smart enough to know better. She began to walk away when he said, "You're hiding something."  
  
This time Buffy turned to face him. Buffy had a feeling he was guessing, but for some reason she wanted to tell him. "You're right. I'm hiding something." She walked closer to him, but she still stayed far enough away. "Spike's back in town. And roaming around in the daylight without sizzling."  
  
Buffy waited for shock to cross Angel's face, but it never happened. "Well, I never even knew he was gone, but it's great that he's back, and he most likely found he Gem of Amara."  
  
"You know about the Gem?" Buffy asked coyly. Giles didn't know much about it, and he knew almost everything about everything, so she was surprised to here that Angel knew about it.  
  
"What vampire doesn't? Buff, the Gem is almost as notorious as you." He paused. "Most just think it's a myth. But I guess not."  
  
"So what does it do, exactly?" Buffy figured that she should get as much info from Angel as possible. The books in the library might not be that helpful.  
  
"It renders the wearer full immortality if they are a vampire. They can stand in the sun light, get stake, lit on fire, and nothing happens."  
  
"So, is it like a necklace or something?" Buffy wanted to know what it was so she could get it off Spike and kill him. Now that she thought about it, she couldn't kill the two most dangerous vampires on earth. What type of Slayer what she?  
  
Angel thought for a moment. "The last I heard, it was a ring. But that was over 75 years ago and that thing is always getting reset. For all I know, it could be a bellybutton ring." Angel paused. A scowl crossed his face. "Why am I telling you this?"  
  
Buffy smiled. She had just hot two birds with one stone: she had found out more about the ring, and she had humiliated Angel. "Because I'm irresistible, lover." Buffy blew him a kiss and stalked saucily out of the room, Angel fuming behind her.  
  
~  
  
Buffy could hear voices through the screen door as she walked up the steps to the kitchen door. She knew one was her mother's, but she couldn't quite place the other one. As she reached the door, she got a clear view at the visitor.  
  
Spike.  
  
Buffy flew inside and was on Spike. She rushed him against the counter, bending him backward over it. Buffy's mom let out a scream and then froze from shock. Buffy reached for a stake then realized it won't do her any good. "What are you doing here," she asked angrily. "How did you got out." Buffy held his hand tightly in one hand and held his neck down with the other.  
  
"Good ol' Rupert let me out," he said. Then he laughed. "Well, not so much let me out, per say. You know you should call and check on him. I hit him pretty hard." He smiled when Buffy's eyes went wide.  
  
"God, I wish I could kill you," Buffy ground out between her teeth. She tightened her grip on his throat, and ground her knee into his groin.  
  
Spike let out a small shriek of pain. "You'll pay for that, missy." Spike threw her off him, sending her backward into the cabinets. Knowing her couldn't kill her now, he turned, gave Joyce a sassy smile, and dashed out the kitchen door.  
  
~  
  
"I didn't let him go, Giles," said Buffy into the phone. She hissed as her mother moved the ice pack on her back. She probably wouldn't have a bruise- although her lack of food intake might change that- but it still hurt like hell. "I was unprepared, plus I don't how to kill him. I just wanted my mother safe."  
  
"Very well," said Giles. Buffy was sure that he understood that she was frightened for Joyce. While her mom didn't seem to be very afraid of Spike- he had never posed any threat toward her and she actually found him quite charming- he could have easily killed her, and that was one of Buffy's biggest fears. "You'd best just go out and look her him." She heard Giles take a sip of something. Any other day she would have guessed it was tea, but she today she was thinking more along the lines of whisky. "You could tie him up at the old mansion."  
  
"No," said Buffy a little too loudly and quickly, straightening as she did so and pushing the icepack into her back. She hissed and quickly thought up an excuse. "He knows it too well. If he were to get loose again, he would know where every hiding place was and every weapon. I know my way around there, but there are wings that I've never even seen entrances to. He might now the whole place by heart." As she spoke, she realized how true that was about Angel, too. She pushed that thought out of her mind. Angel is too tied too tight to get out, she told herself, but she couldn't get the thought out of her head completely.  
  
"Good point. I guess you could just bring him back here," said Giles staking another sip of his drink. Buffy was scared to think about how much he had drunk already tonight. A drunken watcher was a scary watcher.  
  
"Are you sure?"  
  
"Yeah, we'll just have to tie him up better." Another sip. "I'll let you go."  
  
"Okay, bye." Buffy hung up the phone and turned back to her mother. "Whatever you do, don't let him in." Buffy grabbed a stake out of one of the drawers- she kept stakes in every room in the house- and turned to leave. "Lock the door after me and don't let anyone in but me." And she was gone.  
  
~  
  
Buffy walked through the graveyard, her senses on full alert. She had to be ready for anyone -anything- that might be lurking in the night, especially Spike. Buffy had already checked all of his old haunts- The Bronze, the old factory, Willy's- and had come up empty. The only place she hadn't checked was the mansion. She knew if she checked there, Spike would most likely let Angel out, then she would be up against the two most powerful vampires, neither of which she could kill. She leaned against a gravestone and sighed. She felt as if she were fighting a loosing battle. No matter how hard she fought, things never got any easier. There was always some minion of hell or a new vampire clan to get rid of, and now she had to add Spike to her list.  
  
Buffy looked around and decided that Spike wasn't in this cemetery tonight. But as she turned to leave, she felt it. Angel. Her skin tingled and her body temperature rose. Her heartbeat sped up. He was near and getting closer. Buffy turned and could see him standing about 20 feet away. Her first instinct was to run, but it wouldn't accomplish anything. So, slowly, she began to walk toward him.  
  
"How did you get out?" It was a stupid question. She knew Spike had let him out. She was surprised at how calm she sounded. Inside she was ready to explode. She wanted to fight him, his him, kill him, and fuck him all at the same time. She didn't know which one would win out.  
  
"Spike," he said simply. Angel walked closer. The moon cast shadows on his face, giving him an eerier appearance. "He stopped by, very surprised to see me, and then found a spare key and unchained me." Angel rubbed his wrists. "It sure feels good to have feeling in these again."  
  
"This can only happen two ways," said Buffy. "Either I finally kill you, or you kill me." Buffy knew the latter was not happening.  
  
"I beg to differ, Buff," said Angel. He walked up to her, quickly. He grabbed her shoulders, hard and tight so there was no way she could get out, and pulled her toward him, so she was almost pressed against the solid wall of his chest. "Like I said before," he whispered against her ear, his voice deep and husky, "you need me, like I need you. We both hate it, I know, but there's no denying it."  
  
"No," said Buffy. She shook her head and fought, until she finally pulled out of his grip. She turned and ran, but her caught her before she could get past the mausoleum ten feet away.  
  
He spun her around and looked into her hazel eyes. "I can feel it Buff, no matter how you deny it. I know that your blood heats up when I'm near, and I long to taste it, taste you." She looked into his eyes, and she saw that there was no threat there, only truth. "We've both tried to fight it, but we can't. I want you, more than Angel could ever want you." Buffy shook her head, fighting to accept it. "Yes, Buff, and you know why? Because I want more than just your heart. In fact, I don't give a damn about your heart."  
  
He pushed her against the wall of the mausoleum. He moved closer, a predator after its prey. Buffy could see the hunger in his eyes. She fought back the urge to scream. This was how her nightmares would start. He'd hurt her a little, then more, until she wanted to die. Buffy prayed this was a dream.  
  
Angel whispered in her ear, "I want your blood, Slayer. I want to claim you in every way possible, physically and emotionally, until there's no part of Him left in you. Until there is only me in your blood." Angel placed an open mouthed kiss on her neck, right above her jugular. "And you want it. You long for it. You long for the feeling of me in you again, pounding into you until you scream. You want me to hurt you and to make you feel more pleasure then you ever thought possible. Because pain goes hand in hand with pleasure." Angel kissed her deeply, his tongue thrusting in and out of her mouth, teasing her and leaving her breathless. "Say you want it," he said, his dark eyes staring brazenly into hers.  
  
Buffy began to shake her head, to protest. She couldn't want all those things. She couldn't. Those things happened to her in her dreams, and she hated them. She loved Angel with all her heart, more than anything in the world. She hated Angelus with more passion than she could express. But weren't love and hate basically the same thing? Divided by only a thin, sometimes undeterminable line?  
  
"Say you want it!" Angel yelled at her. Buffy cringed. He shoved her hard against the mausoleum wall, his body pressed aggressively against hers.  
  
She could feel the cold stone threw the back of her shirt. Normal she would be able to get away, push him off her, but she had been weaker lately, mainly because of the stress he was causing her. She couldn't fight him.  
  
"Say it!"  
  
"Yes!" Buffy finally screamed. She couldn't fight the lust running through her veins, and the passion and need screaming for release. She wanted to feel his cool skin on hers. She needed it. She needed to feel his body above her, on her, dominating her. It may not be Angel inside, but it was his body. And part of her wanted all those things he had said, a part of her deep in side, a part that longed for the danger and the passion. "Yes," she hissed out. "I need it. I need you."  
  
Angel captured her lips in a searing kiss. His tongue invaded her mouth, violating her, but she loved it. Excitement and fear scented her blood that ran like fire through her veins. Angel's hands ran over her body and onto her ass, lifting her and she wrapped her lags around his waist. Angel slid a hand between them and unzipped her jacket. Buffy helped him get it off, then reached for his body, touching every inch of skin she could, massaging, caressing roughly. The whole time, their lips were sealed.  
  
Suddenly, they were moving. Buffy didn't know where they were until Angel laid her on one of the tombs in the mausoleum. Her legs dangled over the edge. They looked at each other expectantly. Buffy knew she could fight now and get away. Instead she took his face in her hands and kissed him.  
  
~  
  
Buffy felt Angel's fangs sink into her neck as she came. The feeling of blood leaving her body only intensified the feeling of pleasure. She yelled and grasped at his body- his back, his arms, his hair- anything to keep her grounded. She fought to catch her breath, but waves of pleasure crashed over her. She felt as if she were suffocating. The world spun around as she came down from the amazing high. She loved it.  
  
Then it was gone. Angel pulled away. He turned without a word and began to dress. Buffy sat up and watched him. He was magnificent, his muscles rippling with each movement.  
  
Angel could feel her eyes on him. He turned. She had a pleasant smile across her face - much like the one she wore after she made love to Angel for the first time- and he knew that she thought this changed things. He knew, deep down, it had. They were connected now. Her blood ran threw her veins. The sweetest blood ever. And then there was the fact that she was the best lay ever, despite her lack of experience. He knew what her first time with Angel had felt like, and he knew this was a hundred times better than that. But that doesn't change anything, not really, he told himself. They were still enemies.  
  
"That was good," he said. "We'll do it again sometime." He looked at her long enough to see the smile fade from her lips and then he turned into the night.  
  
Buffy stared at the spot where he had stood moments ago. Slowly, her minds stared to register everything had had just happened. She realized she had just slept with him, that her nightmares had come true. She's had sex with the one person on this earth she should hate. And then the tears came.  
  
~  
  
When Buffy woke up the next morning she was sore. Her body ached, the same way his had when she had made love to Angel on her birthday. But the, it had been a good ache, now it was a bad ache. It was a painful reminder of what she had done. She had sex with her mortal enemy, the demon that wore her love's face. And afterward, she had sat and smiled, setting herself up for the perfect hurt. She had thought it might have meant something, but it hadn't. Nothing changed. Angel had done everything short of laughing in her face afterward. She knew she must have looked pathetic. And she knew Angel thought of her as a pathetic, worthless Slayer, who happened to be a terrible lay.  
  
She rose from bed and ignored the feeling of muscles pulling and stretching. She wanted to crawl back into bed and never leave, just bury under the covers, and never come out.  
  
Once in the bathroom, she turned on the water and began to strip. She didn't look at herself in the mirror. She couldn't deal with it. She knew that she hadn't been taking care of herself. She hadn't been eating; she only made herself look presentable a few days a week. She knew her skin was pale and there were dark circles under her eyes because she hadn't slept. But as long as she didn't look in the mirror, they weren't real; she couldn't prove they were real.  
  
As Buffy showered, she held back tears that were rising in her eyes. She wanted to go back in time, to before her and Angel made love, so she could change things. She would stop herself from sleeping with him on her birthday, stop all the horrible things form happening. When she stepped out of the shower, she took a brief glance at herself in the mirror. Once she saw herself, she couldn't look away. There were dark bruises on her shoulders from where Angel had dug his fingers into her to keep her from getting away. She turned and saw how red her back was from being pounded into the stone tomb. And then her neck: two swollen, red puncture marks over her jugular. She could see the bruise fading, and bite marks healing, a good sign. Then there was the fact she could almost see all her ribs when she took a deep breath in.  
  
She turned away and pushed the picture of how she looked out of her mind.  
  
She dressed quickly in a long sleeved button up sweater and jeans and a scarf tied around her neck to cover the bite marks. She knew even once it was healed, it would leave a faint scar, but that could be covered with makeup.  
  
As Buffy left for school, she realized she hadn't found Spike. And now Angel was on the loose. Her plans had faltered and now it was time to face the music. Buffy walked into the library to find everyone sitting around the table, looking very lost. They all looked up as Buffy entered.  
  
"Hey, guys," she said weakly. She felt as if she could burst into tears at any moment, so she kept her voice light.  
  
"Buffy," said Giles rising from his chair. "You're all right. What you didn't come by with Spike."  
  
"Yeah," said Buffy sitting down in the empty seat next to Willow. Willow mouthed, What's wrong, to her, but Buffy just shrugged. "I couldn't find him." She looked around at her friends' faces. Willow, Xander, Cordy, and Oz looked back glumly. "I guess you guys know."  
  
They all nodded. "I really didn't miss that guy," said Xander. Oz looked deep in thought, but nodded his head to that also.  
  
"Me neither," said Willow. "Why would he want to come back here, anyways?"  
  
"We're not sure," said Buffy. She turned to Giles. "I did find out more about the Gem, though. Most vampires know about it, but only as a myth. As long as the vampire is wearing it, they can't be killed. And it's likely set as a piece of jewelry, like a ring or something."  
  
"That could prove helpful," said Giles, removing her glasses and wiping them on hi shirt, an act he did when he was bored or nervous. "Where did you get that information?"  
  
"Oh," said Buffy. She hadn't thought of that. She couldn't tell them she had gotten Angel to tell her about the gem. "I, uh, just beat it out of a vampire before I killed him." Buffy fiddled with her rings. She reached for the one she had worn on her left ring finger, then remembered that it was no longer there. She placed her hands on her lap.  
  
"Yes, well, very good," said Giles. "You all should be getting to class." Even before he was finished talking, his mind was on other things. He began to walk toward his office.  
  
Buffy and the others stood and collected their stuff. Xander complained about Spike and Cordy talked incessantly about her nails, while Oz stood quietly with his hands dug deep in his pockets. Willow seemed to be the only person aware of Buffy's state.  
  
"Hey," said the red head as she walked beside Buffy toward the swinging library doors. "Are you okay? Cause you don't look okay. You look a little.not okay." Willow had noticed that Buffy's state of well being had gone down over the past month. She hadn't seen her eat, but then again, Buffy didn't eat at school often anyways. But the dark circles under eyes and the thinness of her wrists made Willow worry.  
  
"Not the best way to make someone smile, Will," said Buffy teasingly. She wanted to tell Willow what was wrong. She was her best friend, and best friends told each other everything. But this could affect all of their lives. But Buffy didn't know how much longer she could keep this secret. "I'm."she started. Then she looked down at her hands, at the finger that once held her ring. "We need to talk." Buffy walked into an empty classroom and Willow shut the door behind them. Willow sat on a desk and waited for Buffy to talk.  
  
Buffy took a deep breath. She had to do this. "He's back," she said, her voice shaky, tears stinging the back of her eyes.  
  
"Spike? I already knew that," Willow said.  
  
"No, not just Spike." Willow looked into Buffy's eyes and she knew what the blonde was going to say before the three words left her mouth. "Angelus is back." 


	4. Part 4

Buffy explained everything to Willow. She told Willow how he came back a month ago, and how she was bringing him blood every week. She told Willow everything he had said to her, and she told Willow that she had fucked him the night before. And when she finally told Willow everything, Buffy sat and waited for Willow to process everything.  
  
"Oh, god," said Willow, not sure what else to say. "Oh, god. You have to tell Giles."  
  
"I know," said Buffy. "And I will. I just can't. Not yet." Buffy leaned against a desk. "I know I should have told you when he first came back, I wanted to, so badly, but I was so confused. I didn't know what to do. I felt so tied up in side. But then after last night, I felt I had to tell someone, or I would explode."  
  
Willow looked away. She was quiet for a moment, then said quietly, "Has he hurt you?"  
  
Buffy closed her eyes. Angelus had hurt her in everywhere possible, ways that she didn't think Willow could ever comprehend. "You mean emotionally or physically?" She didn't wait for an answer. "He's said so many things to me, he's done so many things, all of which have hurt." She paused to take a deep breath. "And we've fought. And then last night, that hurt the most. He made me want him, even when I knew it was wrong, even though I love Angel. And then afterward, I thought maybe it had changed things, but everything was the same, except that now he has control over me. He could snap his fingers and I'd be there." She took another breath and blinked back the tears. "And you know why? Because part of me wants it, wants him. Because everything he said is true." Buffy looked up and blinked, but slowly tears began to leak out of her eyes. "What am I going to do Will? What am I going to do?"  
  
"I don't know," said Willow. And she truly didn't.  
  
~  
  
Angel stretched languidly in his bed, reveling in the way it felt to wake up with out being chained to a wall. He smiled. Taking an unneeded breath, he filled his lungs with the stale air of his room. No one had been in there for months, and dust created thick blankets on everything. When he had returned to the mansion, moments before dawn, he had gone strait to his bedroom, the largest one the place, and looked around. The bed had been unmade, and there were dead roses covering the dresser.  
  
Angel had gone to move the roses, pricking his finger in the process. Rich, red blood spouted from the pinprick. Angel looked up to the mirror, and wasn't surprised not to see his reflection. He lifted his finger to the glass and wrote Buffy's name in his -her- blood. He looked at it and smiled, then licked the remaining blood from his finger.  
  
~  
  
Buffy had managed to get out of training with Giles easily, complaining that it was that time of the month and she had cramps. In reality she was still a little sore and she didn't want to change into an outfit that wouldn't cover her bruises and scar, reminders of last night. She had gone home and actually attempted to do her homework, hoping to get her mind off of the horrible direction her life was going in.  
  
After and hour, she gave up and put her books away. There were still a few hours till sun down, and she needed to pass the time. She changed and grabbed two stakes, tucking one into her coat pocket, and slid the other into a belt loop on her jeans. Then out of habit, she climbed out her window.  
  
~  
  
Buffy opened the door to Angel's basement apartment. She walked in and shut the door quietly, and leaned back against it. She could feel the cold, hard texture of the door though her jacket. Her hand tapped against it, her rings clanging as they hit. She looked around. Nothing had changed. She hadn't been here since the day after her and Angel made love, and no one had been here since. Thick layers of dust covered everything, and the air was stale. The bed was unmade.  
  
Buffy took a deep breath to calm her nerves, and pushed off the door. She felt as if she were visiting a gravesite, a grave of someone she loved. And in a way, she was. This was the place she had lost too many thing- her virginity, her innocence, her love.  
  
She walked past the bureau and ran her fingers across the top, collecting dust and leaving a shiny streak in their wake. She blew on her fingers and watched as the dust scattered into the air, mixing, floating, and eventually, falling to the ground. She turned on the lamp to her right, the added light creating shadows in the corners. Buffy made her way around the room, looking, touching, remembering. She stopped at the bed.  
  
The bed. Buffy gently ran her fingers over the red silk sheets, remembering how cool they felt against her skin. And how cool Angel's body had been. Hers had been hot, her blood boiling. Fire and ice. She began pulling the sheets and comforter off the bed, placing them in a heap on the floor. She walked to the bureau and pulled out new sheets, realizing that there were only a few shirts and a pair of pants left. Buffy pulled out a shirt, a black, button up, satin one, along with the sheets and began to make the bed.  
  
Once she was done, she laid down, clutching the shirt between her fingers. She remembered what it had felt like to be laying here, with Angel next to her, holding her, while she slept. She remembered each time he whispered "I love you" in her ear, and that she had said it back each time. She remembered everything she dreamed about, only now they seemed more real. Angel seemed closer to her than ever since he had turned.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and breathed in his scent on the sheets and shirt as she drifted off to sleep, a single tear running down her cheek.  
  
~  
  
Angel ran his fingers over her cheek. "Buuufffyyyy," he whispered into her ear. "Buuufffyyyy." His voice became more persistent as he continued. "Buffy." He moved his fingers from her cheek to trace her lips.  
  
Buffy was almost awake. She could hear and feel, but her mind wasn't comprehending any of it in its dream state. She fought to wake, but her eyes didn't want to open. Slowly, the dream world left her mind and reality came upon her. Her vision was blurry and she blinked. Then she pushed Angel off her and rolled off the bed into a fighting stance, tumbling the shirt to the floor in the process.  
  
"What do you want?" asked Buffy. Her muscles where still stiff from sleeping.  
  
Angel laughed. "I thought we made that clear last night, silly. I want you." He waggled a finger at her.  
  
"Well, you can't have me, not now, not ever again," she said. Buffy figure if she said the words, she might be able to convince herself.  
  
"You say that, but you don't mean it. I know what you feel," he said. "I can read it all over your face. And I can smell it on you."  
  
"Shut up," she yelled. "Shut the hell up." She could feel the little threads of control she had left breaking. Her body began to tremble, and hot tears stung the back of her eyes. "You don't know anything about feeling. You don't know how to love, or to care. You can't." She blinked back her tears. "And I hate, I hate, that you can make me want you. And I hate that I let you touch me." The tears began to fall, dripping from her eyes down her cheeks. She sobbed, "And I hate most of all that I didn't kill you. You said that I needed you, and a little part of me does, but a bigger part can live without you. A bigger part loves Angel too much."  
  
Angel began to speak. "Buffy.Buffy." He made is voice soft, like Angel's, figuring it would calm her, maybe trick her into surrendering to him.  
  
It only enraged her. "Stop it," she yelled. "Stop saying my name like that."  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"Like you care." She spat out the words like they were poison. Her voice didn't sound like it belonged to her any more. All the anger and hurt that had been inside her had finally come out. "You don't care. You take, you destroy, and you manipulate, but you don't care. You don't care if you break me as long as I still come crawling back, as long as you still have a hold on me. But you don't, not anymore." She sniffed. "I haven't killed you because I had this idea that Angel was coming back. But I know now that he isn't, and that you're not him." She looked him strait in the eye. "You'll never be him, you'll never be half as good as he was."  
  
Anegl was about to speak again, but she cut him off. "You love that you get to me, that you turn me on, because you know how much it hurts. Well, you've done it. You got what you wanted." Her last words held no feeling; her voice was cold and empty, like her heart and her soul. She looked at him, just long enough to see the utter shock on his face before she turned and ran out.  
  
~  
  
Angelus wanted to kick himself. More though, he wanted to kick the voice in his head that was saying, "You finally broke her. Are you happy now?" And he should be happy. It was his nature to be happy at other's pain. But he wasn't happy. He didn't want Buffy broken, he didn't want her dead, he didn't want her turned, and he didn't want her moping over Angel. He wanted her feisty and sarcastic, and wanting him. He wanted her to want him and not pretend he was Angel, he wanted her to know that Angel was never coming back, that she was stuck with him.  
  
A small part of him wanted her to love him.  
  
But only to hurt her, he told himself.  
  
But he had most likely just ruined all chances he had of getting those things. He knew he had to do something to change what was happening. And he hated the one idea that popped into his head.  
  
~  
  
Buffy ran home, crying the whole time. She had willed the tears to stop, begged them, but they preceded to fall, running from her eyes, to her cheeks, then to kiss her lips, and die on her chin. Hot, stinging tears that left glistening trails on her face that sparkled in the moonlight as she ran. Buffy knew she must look like an idiot, but she didn't care.  
  
She continued to run until she reached her room. She climbed in her window, even though her mother was gone. She collapsed onto her bed and buried her head in her pillows.  
  
When Buffy took a second to think about why she was crying, she realized she didn't have an answer. She just felt so confused, and so alone. And she missed Angel so much. And seeing Angelus reminded her of all the good times, as well as the bad. And she was mad at herself for wanting Angelus, and mad at him for taking Angel away from her. She needed to work things out, to clear her head.  
  
But right now she needed to sleep. She managed to stop her sobs and close her eyes.  
  
~  
  
Angel climbed up the oak tree outside Buffy's window and sat on the windowsill. Buffy looked beautiful when she slept. She looked so peaceful and innocent and soft and delicate. All the things she wasn't when she fought.  
  
Angel watched her for what seemed like hours, and it could have been. Then slowly, he crept into the room, kneeling on the floor beside the bed. Angel swept a strand of blond hair off her face, and she moaned. He froze, but she only moved lightly in her sleep.  
  
"Buffy," he said softly. "Buffy, wake up." He gently nudged her and he could feel her begin to wake up. "Hey, Buff." Her eyes opened and her immediately placed his hand over her mouth. "Sshh," he said. "You don't want to wake your mom, do you?" he asked. His tone was taunting, and he cringed. He wasn't here to be cruel.  
  
Buffy shook her head and Angel removed his hand. "She's not here," she said. "Now leave or I'll kill you." Her voice was empty, void of feeling.  
  
"I'm not here to fight." Buffy gave him a questioning look. "I have some things I need to say to you. Everything you said before was true." He took Buffy's hand, but she pulled away and moved to the other side of the bed. He moved to sit on the edge of the bed. "I'm not capably of feeling love, Buffy, at least not the type of love you and Angel shared. But I don't have to be cruel." Angel moved closer to her. He took her hand again, but this time she didn't try to pull away. "We're stuck Buffy. We need each other, but we can't truly have each other, for too many reasons. And one is that we don't love each other."  
  
As he said the words, Buffy felt something in her heart die. Did she wish that Angelus loved her? She couldn't.  
  
"You love Angel, and I'll never be him." He stroked her arm with one hand while he massaged small circles into her palm with the other. "But I can be gentle. And we can be together, and it can be nice." He cupped her cheek and she closed her eyes and leaned into his hand. "I don't want to hurt you, Buffy. I hated seeing you cry this afternoon. But I need you to know that I can't, won't, be him. I'm not going to stop feeding or stay hidden. I'm not going to make love to you." As he spoke, she opened her eyes.  
  
"I know," she said. "I know you're not him. And that kills me. But when you're like this, I know that a part of him is still in you." She got up and kneeled in front of him. His head was right in front of her breasts. She slid her hands into his silky dark hair and tilted his head back. She looked into his chocolately, soulless eyes. "And when you're like this, I want you." She bent down and kissed him. It was light, her lips barely touching his. When she pulled away, she pressed his cheek to her body. He brought his hands around to her back.  
  
Angel sighed. He was going to loose himself in her. She was soft, like silk and velvet. He knew if he didn't regain control, he would make love to her, the one thing he swore he wouldn't do. Illicit sex, yes, but making love, no. He slid his hands down onto her derriere, and began to lay her down on the bed.  
  
Once their clothes were gone, thrown in heaps on the floor, Angel looked at her in the dim light of the moon as it shown from behind the clouds into her bedroom. Her eyes were closed and her breathing was labored, her chest rising and falling with the steady fast pace of her heartbeat. Angel wanted to kiss every inch of her soft golden body, but he wouldn't allow himself the luxury, at least not now. If things went the way he hoped, he'd get to spend many more nights in her bed.  
  
He hated himself already for being so nice to her. Sure, sex with her was great, perfect even, but he didn't want to go slow. He wanted to ravage her, to take her hard and fast, leaving her unsure of what had just happened. He wanted to hurt her with pain while killing her with pleasure. And he wanted her to love it. As a demon, soulless and heartless, his duty was to destroy, to bring pain to people's lives and feed off their fear. He didn't bring pleasure and content, exactly what he was doing now as he pleasured the Slayer.  
  
As their bodies moved together, Angel kissed her lips deeply and brutally, but not without burning passion. He had to let her know that it was desire that fueled his actions, not love. He nipped at her lips, drawing drops of warm, rich crimson blood. His hands ravaged her body, roughly massaging her skin. But despite his rough play, his body moved gently to her, not invading or pushing.  
  
As pleasure overcame them, Angel grunted and felt his face transform. He licked the soft layer of skin over her jugular, the two tiny scares that had not yet fully healed. He slowly sunk his teeth into her, and she clung to him, his name slipping from her lips as her body quaked with ecstasy, yearning for release. Her blood flowed over his tongue like liquid silk, sweet and rich. He continued to drink form her until he felt her body relax. Her rolled off her, his face returning to normal as he looked up at the ceiling.  
  
Neither spoke, the only sound was the light breaths coming from between her lips, and her heartbeat. Angel knew she was asleep. He slipped from the bed and dressed quickly. Then, he found a piece of paper on her desk and wrote her a short note, before slipping from her room and into the night.  
  
~  
  
When Buffy woke the next morning, thunder cracked outside her window like a leather whip hitting flesh. Moments later, bright light shattered the darkness and lit up her room. She could hear the rain splattering on her window. Buffy shifted in her bed, trying to fall back asleep, but sleep escaped her. She walked dreamily toward her window, the flashes of lightning her only way of seeing. She parted the white drapes and looked out into the dark recesses of early morning. She could barely see the trees out her window, rain and fog distorting her vision.  
  
She looked back at the clock on her nightstand. The red numbers blinked 5:36; the sun was due to rise in just under an hour. When most of your daily activities dealt with the sun and moon, you learned to keep track of the rising and setting times.  
  
Buffy moved back toward her bed. She sat down, moving the sheets so she wouldn't rip them. She lay her head down on her pillow and closed her eyes. She took a deep breath and realized her bed still smelled like him.  
  
Her mind reeled. She wanted to burst out-crying, laughing, yelling, fighting, she didn't know. But too many emotions were filing her, like water overflowing a dam, and there was no way to stop it. She sat up, and punched her pillow, hard, making a hole, and sending feathers around her like snow. But she didn't feel any better.  
  
She showered, even thought it failed to do anything other than rinse him from her body. She scrubbed, rubbed until her skin was raw, trying to remove him from her body, heart, and soul. But as she washed her hair, she imagined that it was Angel's fingers massaging her scalp in gyrating movements, that he was there, watching the water run over her. But it was she alone. She wrapped a towel around her body and walked down the hallway to her room.  
  
As she closed the door behind her, her towel got caught in the door. She turned to pull it out and her eyes caught on a piece of paper on her desk. She walked over and picked it up. She knew instantly, that it was from him. She hesitantly unfolded it, afraid of what she might find inside. His handwriting was looping cursive, old, and beautiful. She read it once to herself, then out loud.  
  
Buffy, I didn't want to wake you, but this doesn't change anything. I'll be around. Angel  
  
Buffy was surprised to see that he hadn't signed it Angelus, but Angel. She folded the paper again and placed it in the top drawer of her desk not letting herself think about it.  
  
~  
  
Angel and Spike stayed out of sight for two weeks. Buffy didn't see them anywhere. She had stopped by the mansion twice and neither had been there and the lpaced looked like it hadn't been lived in for years, and technically it hadn't. Buffy didn't see either vampire while patrolling. Amazingly, there was no increase in death rate. Buffy would have thought they had left town. Except for the single white rose she found on her pillow each morning when she woke up. She began placing them in vase by her window, but the first ones were beginning to wilt.  
  
Giles and Xander still were in the dark about Angel. Buffy knew she would tell them, and she want to, but she knew what they would do. Angelus had tortured Giles mercilessly. He had killed Jenny Calendar, Giles's true love, and cause Giles more pain than Buffy wanted him to ever feel. Giles would be the first to want to kill Angel.  
  
Buffy's life went on as normal. She went to school, patrolled, and slept. But she also looked behind her shoulder more. Spike could show up anywhere, at any time. With the Gem in hand, he could walk around in daylight and kill, and she could kill him. Angel had her by a rope-one pull and she was his.  
  
But right now, she had to keep them a secret and deal with her problems on her own, no matter how much pain in caused her. And the easiest way to deal with it was to slay. She spent most of her nights killing vampires; right now she was at her peak. Giles even noticed that she was killing more vamps in one night than she normally did in some weeks.  
  
Buffy walked through one of Sunnydale's many cemeteries, her eyes and ears open. She was ready for anything to jump out at her. She made her way past rows of graves, most of them faded, revealing their age. Moss and vines grew up the side of some, while others were plant free. Some even had fresh flowers at the bases. When Buffy reached the last one, she read the inscription. "Angelena Carso, 1955-1956. Our Beloved Baby." Buffy wanted to cry. Too many people died too young. She moved on. She walked another mile through the fairly large cemetery, stopping once and a while to read the graves and killing two vamps.  
  
When she was about to leave, she felt it. She turned. About fifty feet away, in the glow of the moon, was Angel, his arm around the waist as a girl, his face in her neck. Buffy ran. Her lungs burned and threatened to burst, but she didn't slow until she landed a jump kick in Angel's side. He tumbled backward and the girl hit the ground, her eyes half open, blood dripping from her neck. Buffy dropped to help the girl, but was instantly pulled up.  
  
Angel's hand closed around her neck. She looked at his face-eyes yellow, red blood at the corners of his mouth- and she saw her death. "What the hell do you thing you're doing, Slayer?" As he spoke he tightened his grip, and Buffy realized he was holding her off the ground. She fought to answer, to breathe, but she couldn't. "I'll ask a again. What are you doing?" His hand tightened again and Buffy felt herself blacking out.  
  
The ground brought her back to consciousness. Angel let go of her and she fell. She landed hard on her ass, and she knew she'd have a bruise. She still wasn't eating as much, and as a result, her skin bruised very easily now. Angel stood towering over her. She leaned back, sending her legs over her head, then rolled up into a fight stance.  
  
"You were going to kill that girl," said Buffy.  
  
"She's not dead, yet," said Angel. His face returned to normal. "Plus, I never said I was going to stop feeding."  
  
"There's a difference between feeding and killing. What I just saw you doing, that was killing." Below her, the girl groaned, and Buffy dropped to her knees. "I need to get her t a hospital."  
  
"Where not done here, Buff," protested Angel.  
  
"Look, if I don't get her some medical attention, she's going to die. Let me take her to a hospital." She looked at her watch. "Be at my house at midnight. We'll finish this then." Buffy didn't wait for an answer. She helped the girl up, and together they stumbled out of cemetery.  
  
"Buff," Angel started angrily, but it was futile. He sighed and walked into the darkness.  
  
~  
  
Buffy waited. She waited until one thirty before she decided he wasn't going to come. 


	5. Part 5

The bell rang, declaring the end of second period. Buffy gathered her books and made her way out of the classroom and toward her third period human science class. As she made her way threw the throngs of students, she caught bits and pieces of conversations. One between two girls caught her attention.  
  
"Did you see the guy who's subbing for Miss Perterson?" girl number one asked. Miss Perterson was Buffy's human science teacher.  
  
"Yeah," said girl number two. "He's so hot."  
  
"Too bad he's not a real teacher." Both girls laughed.  
  
Buffy smiled. Cute subs were always a plus. As she neared the classroom, Willow fell in step next to her.  
  
"Hey," said Buffy.  
  
"Hey." Willow's red hair bounced around her shoulders. "What's with the super smiles?"  
  
"Cute sub," Buffy answered.  
  
"Yay." Willow led the way as they entered the room and took their seats. Only a few other students were there; most didn't come in until the final bell rung. Buffy and Willow talked as the bell rang and the rest of the students filed in. Willow laughed at something Buffy said. Then her eyes widened and she turned ghostly pale.  
  
"Willow?" Buffy asked. "What wrong?" She turned to look behind her and gasped. Angel stood at the chalkboard, writing Mr. McCoy at the top of the board. He turned and smiled, his eyes meeting with Buffy's. She let out the breath of air she didn't even realize she had been holding. The look on his face told her he wasn't going kill anyone, but he wasn't going to make it easy for her either. She knew the only way to make it through this, was to play along.  
  
"Buffy," Willow whispered to her. There was terror in her voice. When Angel had turned, he had done some awful things, some of which had been aimed at Willow.  
  
"Just play along, Will. He won't do anything to you. I won't let him." Buffy looked back at Angel, who was reading a piece of white paper.  
  
After a second, he put down the paper and looked at the class. Almost every girl was drooling over him. And why shouldn't they? He looked gorgeous in a white Oxford shirt and khakis- the total opposite of his normally dark attire. "Good morning everyone. I'm Mr. McCoy, but all my friends call me Angel, so feel free to also."  
  
Buffy wanted to laugh. Angel didn't have friends. Enemies, minions, and lovers, but no friends.  
  
"Why isn't he flaming?" asked Willow quietly.  
  
"He must have taken the Gem from Spike." As Buffy spoke, she never took her eyes off him. She knew he could hear every word they were saying.  
  
"So," Angel said. "It says here we're supposed to go to the library and check out some book."  
  
"No!" Willow said too loudly. Everyone in class stared at her and she sunk down into her seat.  
  
"Is there problem," he looked down at the seating chart even though he knew her name, "Miss Rosenberg?" Angel asked innocently. He knew everyone was in the library, and he knew that Giles didn't know he was back.  
  
"Um," Buffy spoke up. She knew he would know that she was lying, but she wouldn't let him in the library. "Giles, Mr. Giles, is filing the books and doesn't want anyone going in there today."  
  
Angel smirked at her. "Okay then." He looked around the room. "The next thing on the list is sexual reproduction."  
  
Buffy and Willow looked at each other. Willow visibly gulped. While Angel knew a great deal about sex, it wasn't the time of this you told a high school class. But he was going to go through with the lesson.  
  
"So, who wants to fill me in with what you guys talked about yesterday?" Angel asked. Alexia, a very popular, very slutty cheerleader raised her hand. "Yes?"  
  
"Well, Angel," she said, her voice as sexy as she could manage without sounding like an idiot. She twisted a lock of blonde hair around her finger. "We stated talking about protection."  
  
Buffy was sure she was the only one who saw the look of delight flash in his eyes. It was the same look he got in his eyes when he knew he had aroused her when she was trying to fight it. She hated the look.  
  
"Well, it says we're supposed to discuss the forms of protection, but I'm sure you all know how to put on a condom, or swallow a pill, so, I'm going to change today's lesson a bit." Angel sat on the edge of the desk and crossed his arms over his chest. One of the students raised their hands.  
  
"Where's Miss Perterson?" asked the student.  
  
"Yeah," said Buffy. "Where is Miss Perterson, Mr. McCoy?" Buffy's tone was sarcastic, but she really was worried. She highly doubted that her teacher was really not in class on her own accord. She just hoped Angel hadn't done anything to her.  
  
Angel noticed the tone of her voice, as well as the hidden concern. "Miss Perterson is tied up today, but she should be back tomorrow." Buffy knew he was being literal. "But, now, let's get on with our lesson. I know a few of you may think that this a person al question, and if you don't want answer, you don't have to, but how many of you have had sex?"  
  
Buffy heard a few gasps, one of which was Willow's, and slowly people began to raise their hands. Buffy looked him straight in the eye as she raised hers.  
  
"Okay, now out of you guys, how many of you have ever made love to someone?" Only Buffy and two other people still had their hands raised. Buffy could tell Angel was getting uncomfortable. He didn't like that Buffy wasn't' being affected by this. He took a deep unneeded breath. "Out of you three, do you still love the person?" Buffy was the only person still raising her hand. There was a smug smile spread across her lips. Angel fought every nerve in his body not to smack the smile off her face and fuck her right then and there until she forgot all about Angel. But he took an unneeded breath and smiled. Buffy lowered her hand. "Well, I guess that proves my point." He began to walk around the room, and when he passed Willow, she visibly stiffened.  
  
"Now," he said. "I've a story to tell. Now I know what you're all thinking, it's one of those stories about how sex ruins lives. And it is." He sat on the desk again. Buffy looked at him closely, trying to spot the Gem. She looked for any piece of jewelry that she hadn't seen him wear before. She didn't see anything different until he moved and the light glinted off of a chain that was barely visible, hidden by the collar of his shirt. He never wore a necklace; his cover was blown.  
  
"This is a story about someone that's very close to me. Well, anyway, when she was in high school, she fell in love with this guy, this much older guy." Angel's voice was smooth as he spoke, like he was hiding some emotion behind it. This was their story. Buffy and Angel's. Buffy took a deep breath. "Everyone told her she shouldn't date this guy. They had completely different lives and came form different worlds." That was an understatement, Buffy thought. "But they fell in love. And, soon, the temptation became too much."  
  
Buffy wanted to go up and smack him. He had no right to be doing this. This wasn't his story to tell. He had no clue about how she fell about Angel. He had no clue what it was like to love or be loved.  
  
Angel continued. "On her seventeenth birthday, they had sex." Angel looked her right in the eye. Her eyes were glazed over and her lips were parted. He could see the pain in her face. He allowed himself a small smile. He knew he was being an asshole, but he love the look on her face too much to stop. "According to her, it was great, but."  
  
Buffy bolted from her seat and halfway to the girl's locker room, her only hide out, the tears began to fall. Willow glared at Angel. She wanted to hit him, smack him, or yell at him, but she was smart enough to know that you just didn't do that to a master vampire unless you wanted to die. She ran after Buffy.  
  
Buffy pushed the door open and entered the locker room. There was no gym class this period, so no one would be there. She stopped in the middle of the room, and wiped her eyes, but the tears kept coming. Willow ran in.  
  
"Oh, Buffy," said Willow. Her and Buffy embraced. "He's a jerk. I can't believe he did that to you."  
  
Buffy sniffed. "Oh, God, Will. He's making me so miserable, but I can't kill him. I need him."  
  
"But Buffy," said Willow. "You don't love him." It wasn't a question.  
  
Buffy only cried harder. She knew she shouldn't feel this way, but she couldn't help herself. She had given up doing what was right the minute she made love to Angel. She looked Willow in the eyes and said, "I."  
  
Angel slammed threw the door. The metal door swung open and banged against the wall. His normally inscrutable face showed his anger. So did his voice. "Get out, Willow." Buffy could hear the threat in it. "Now!"  
  
Willow looked meekly at Buffy then backed out the door. Buffy backed up against the door for support. Tears were streaming down her face. Angel pursued her, until he stood a foot away and towering over her. "Stay away form me." While her voice was firm and defiant, she knew if he didn't stay away, there was nothing she could do to stop him. She was helpless against him. When it came to Angel, she had always been weak. She sobbed, "You said you could be nice."  
  
Angel's dark eyes were wide and his mouth open. The look in Buffy's eyes, her voice, the way she stood-she looked like a scared child. He liked the thought of her being threatened by him, but he didn't want her to be scared of him to the point of cowardliness and defeat. "Buffy." He didn't know what else to say. "I."  
  
Buffy held her hand up to keep him from talking. She closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She had to be strong. "You said you would be nice and gentle. You weren't. Was it all just a lie, a ploy to get me to let you fuck me?" She looked him hard in the eyes, but she didn't let him answer. "Well, it worked. I let you touch me, I let you into me bed. And then you do this." She stood up and wiped the tears from her eyes. "I'm done. We're threw. Leave now, or I'll kill you. And if you come near me, or my friends, I will make sure it is a long a painful death. You said I couldn't kill you, but I'm ready now. I'm ready to do what I should have done along time ago." Buffy stared at him, her gaze unwavering.  
  
Angel wasn't sure what to do. He knew he should defy her, threaten her, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Instead her pulled the necklace with the ring on it from around his neck, threw it at her feet, then backed away toward the sewer entrance.  
  
Buffy waited until she was sure he was gone and then picked up the chain and rind. The ring- a gold band with a thin red jewel in the center- was beautiful. She slid it onto her finger and dropped the chain. She ground her shoe into it, like one would do with a cigarette bud, and looked at it with satisfaction as the delicate white gold links were crushed and flattened.  
  
~  
  
While Spike made a few appearances, Angel stayed hidden. For three weeks there was no sign of him and Buffy was beginning to think that he had left town. And while part of her was relieved and glad, a bigger part of her wanted him to show up. She wanted to fight him, yell at him, to touch him. She yearned to feel his hands on her, his mouth savagely mating with hers, his cool body moving against hers when they fucked. She was discussed with herself.  
  
Buffy did everything she cold to keep busy, keep him off her mind, but everything made her think of him. She tossed and turned at night, waking from fevered dreams of him pleasuring her, only to find herself alone and unfulfilled. And she hated her dreams, her needs and her wants. She took her anger out on the vampire she fought, beating them brutally, showing no mercy, and then staking them. But it only helped momentary, for when the dust cleared, she was mad at him again, for making her want him, a soulless, heartless demon.  
  
She slacked off on school and many days she left early to go home and sleep, since she was out until dawn almost every night. She hadn't been eating, manly because her mother was never home to cook, and Buffy was too lazy to make her own dinner. Soon, she wasn't even hungry anymore. She looked thin, tired, and weak. In a word, dead.  
  
Her friends were worried about her. When they asked her what was up, she just shrugged them off. Willow was the only one that knew the reason for Buffy's habits. Angelus. She knew the vampire had left town, and it was taking its toll on Buffy. Buffy was normally strong and healthy, but now she was weak and thin, she was sick. Xander and Giles, still in the dark about Angel, just blamed her new attitude on upcoming finals. But Buffy simply ignored them. She insisted she was fine. When they asked when was the last time she ate, she lied. When they asked about the dark circles under her eyes, she just told them she wasn't wearing makeup. And when Giles scolded her for skipping school, she shot back with, "I think saving the world from vampires is a little more important than learning about things I'll never need to know in my line of work."  
  
So Buffy's life continued like this for weeks. She was becoming more and more of a shell of herself. She no longer cared. Until one tragic night.  
  
~  
  
Angel had been back in Sunnydale for five days. He had spent the past few weeks in LA, spending his nights fucking whores brutally while feeding off them. He was constantly drunk- a thing that was almost unheard of for a vampire to be- and always horny. But not for the sluts that were only a meal and a way to jack off. No, he hungered to be in the arms of his blonde beauty, the one he had left. That's why he came back. Because his need for her overwhelmed him to the point where when he closed his eyes, he saw her face.  
  
But when he returned to the Hellmouth, he stayed hidden. He stayed in the closed off part of the mansion, the wings that were barely furnished in case she showed up. He only left in the moments before dawn to feed, sometimes only just making it back before the sun reared its golden head, so not to be seen by the Slayer. He wasn't ready to face her yet.  
  
But one night, something pulled him out of his dark room. Something pulled him into the dark deserted forests surrounding the mansion. As he wondered aimlessly threw the trees, he soon felt her. He looked up to see, in the clearing twenty feet away, Buffy fighting a very large vamp, and loosing. From where he was, he could smell her blood, and her fear, and felt her exhaustion. He could see how thin she has gotten and the dark circles under her yes. She was lazy, not as quick, and it showed.  
  
Buffy kicked the vampire in the side, but he barley flinched. Instead, he punched her hard n the jaw, throwing her back ward into a tree. She hit the trunk and slid down. Her eyes opened and closed, and blood dripped down from a slit above her eyes. She had no energy to move. The vampire picked her up and threw her onto the ground. She landed with a thud. Her breath left her and lights flashed behind her eyes. She felt blackness over come her as she felt the vampires hot, fervid breath on her neck. She closed her eyes.  
  
As the vampire sunk his elongated teeth into her tender throat, Angel dashed from his hiding spot to Buffy. He threw the vampire off his lover, and took a quick glance at her before staking the vampire. Angel dropped to his knees beside Buffy. She was unconscious, and blood gushed from the two tiny holes in her neck. When Angel had pulled the vampire away, he hand opened the wound more. Angel gathered her in his arms and he ran toward the mansion.  
  
~  
  
Angel laid her on his bed and quickly removed her jacket. He ran to the bathroom and grabbed a washcloth and first aid kit. He began to soak up the blood from her neck when he noticed the blood staining the sheets beneath her. Angel freaked. She was loosing too much blood. He grabbed the phone next to him, but instead of dialing 911, he dialed Willow's number. The phone rang three times before the machine picked up.  
  
~  
  
Willow stood next to the phone and listened as Angel spoke. She wanted to believe it was a ploy. But Angel cared about no one but Buffy. And she knew he couldn't sound as helpless and compassionate as he did unless Buffy was really hurt.  
  
She picked up the phone. "Hello?"  
  
~  
  
Angel carefully, with the help of scissors, removed Buffy's clothes. He knew she would be angry with him for it later, but now, he had to get to her wounds. He had cleaned and bandaged her neck, but she was still asleep and bleeding. Once he got her shirt off, he gasped. He could see each of her ribs. He had scanned her body and found many cuts and scrapes, most of them bleeding, along with scares and bruises that she hadn't had when he had left.  
  
Willow arrived just as Angel was cleaning a gash across Buffy's stomach. It looked like she had been impaled by something. Willow gasped when she saw Buffy. There was blood everywhere and she was pale. She looked dead. Willow edged around the bed.  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"I was out walking and I saw her fighting. The vampire was winning but I stayed back. Then he knocked her out and bit her. I killed him." There was no gloating in her remark. "I brought her back here. She'd been out ever since. Willow, what happened to her? She wasn't like this when I left. She wasn't this thin. She didn't have these scars."  
  
Willow looked him straight in the eyes. "You happened, Angel. I know most of the time you try to hurt her, but even when you don't try, you still do. Whether you try or not, you're killing her." She looked down at Buffy's unconscious from. "Leave." Angel began to protest. "Now."  
  
He kissed Buffy's hand and then her forehead. He left the room and Willow waited until she could no longer hear his foot steps before she dug into her bag and pulled out a piece of paper and some Wiccan ingredients. She read the paper while holding the herbs over Buffy. It was a healing spell Willow had come across and she hoped it would help. After a moment she began to bandage the rest of Buffy's wounds.  
  
~  
  
A hour later, Buffy still hadn't woken. Angel had returned with tea for Willow. They sat one on either side of the bed, waiting for Buffy to wake up. After a while, Angel took her hand. It was cold.  
  
"She's cold," said Angel. His voice was tight. Willow's eyes widened. Angel felt for her pulse. It was there, but slow and uneven. "She needs blood."  
  
Willow as up in a second. "We can take her to the emergency room."  
  
"There's not enough time," said Angel. He wished he could lie to Willow, but he couldn't. "She needs it now or she'll die." Willow knew what he was thinking and began to shake her head. "There's no other way. She'll die Willow."  
  
"But you've fed from her," said Willow.  
  
"She won't turn. It was only a little, and it was weeks ago. My blood will only make her stronger. It's more potent than human blood for her." Angel gently began to wake Buffy. "Buffy," he said, carefully moving her shoulders. "Buffy, wake up."  
  
Buffy moaned. Her eyes began to quiver and then slowly open. Her head pounded. Every part of her body hurt. She tried to move, but pain shot up her spine. It felt like someone was hitting her behind her eyes. She didn't remember anything, and she felt herself blacking out again. She tried to shake her head, but pain overloaded her. She squinted. "Angel?" She didn't know what had happened or where she was. "What happened?"  
  
"You were hurt. You've lost a lot of blood." Angel stroked her face. "Buffy, I need you to sit up, if you can." He and Willow helped her up. She winced in pain. "Now, you have to listen. You need blood, now." He glanced at Willow, who looked at him with doubt. He didn't want to do this any more than she did. There were risks, but Angel's blood was stronger than any blood she would get from a hospital. She would be stronger, and heal faster. Still, he didn't like it. But he wouldn't loose her.  
  
Buffy's eyes began to close. She fought to breathe. Angel grabbed her shoulders. "Buffy, stay with us." He let go of her and opened the night table drawer. He pulled out a long, sharp knife. Willow's eyes widened. "Hold her head back," he told Willow. She titled Buffy's head back as the Slayer groaned in pain. Angel felt for her pulse once more. It was too slow. Taking a deep breath, he drew the blade across his wrist. Crimson blood flowed form the wound. He held his wrist to Buffy's lips. The blood began to flow into her mouth.  
  
At first she choked. Willow moved her head and Angel squeezed the cut to make the blood flow quicker. Buffy, unconscious and unaware of what she was doing, swallowed each sip. Willow watched with fascination. She had seen vampires feed from humans, but she never seen a human feed from a vampire.  
  
After about ten minutes Angel pulled his wrist away and put a cup of water to Buffy's lips. She was completely out now. Angel removed the cup and Willow laid her back down. Angel felt her neck for her pulse; it was quicker, but still slow.  
  
"Are you sure she's not going to be a vampire?" asked Willow. She pulled the blankets up around her friend. They had bloodstains on them, but they were barely noticeable against the red stain.  
  
"She'll be human." Angel said nothing else. He grabbed something off the night table and left the room. He returned a few moments later with sheets in his arms. "You can leave. I'll take care of her." Willow opened her mouth to protest. "Go home and sleep. I promise you I won't hurt her." I will never hurt her again, he promised himself silently.  
  
Willow sighed, deflated. She grabbed her bag. "I'll be back later with some clothes. Joyce is out of town, so you don't have to worry about lying to her, at least not now." Willow kissed Buffy on the forehead and turned and left.  
  
After Willow left, Angel lifted Buffy from the bed and carried her into the only other bedroom in the mansion that was furnished and clean. It had been Dru's room. Angel wrapped her in his bathrobe and laid her in the clean sheets. He sat with her for hours. He listened to her heartbeat and the sound of her breath. She had no idea how close she had come to death. Because of him.  
  
Angel slowly left the bed and walked the sort distance to the kitchen. The room where Buffy slept was in the center of the wing that Angel had situated himself in. There were three wings in the place; two of them had been boarded up. Him and Dru had explored part of one, but it had been much like the one they existed in. Dru had chosen the room because it was in the middle and could be entered from almost any other room. Angel figured if Buffy woke up, he could hear her from whatever room he was in.  
  
He walked into the kitchen and immediately went to the liquor cabinet. There was no food in the kitchen, only tea, coffee, and, of course, alcohol. Angel pulled out the first bottle he saw, brandy. Pulling the cap off, he took a long gulp, the liquid burning his throat and filling his cold body with warmth. He didn't wait for the feeling to subside before he took another drink. Soon the bottle was empty, but he didn't feel any better. The alcohol hadn't wiped away and of the guilt. He wasn't drunk, either. He threw the bottle and watched without satisfaction, as it hit the wall and shattered to the ground. 


	6. Part 6

Buffy moaned. Her head hurt. She tried to move, but pain spread through out her body. She felt like she had a very bad hangover and then had been run over with an eighteen wheeler and few times. But she didn't remember drinking. In fact, she didn't remember anything. Slowly she opened her eyes. She blinked as dots overcame her line of vision. She squinted. She was in one of the beds in the mansion. Her breath caught in her throat. He suddenly realized she was only in her underwear and bra, and one of Angel's bathrobes.  
  
She tried to sit, but her head began to throb in pain. She winced and bit her lip to keep from crying out. She waited for the pain to subside. Slowly, she moved her legs over the side of the bed, trying to ignore the intense pain surging through her midsection, and sat. She felt weak and tired. Pain wracked her body and she fought to remember what had happened. The last thing she remembered was fighting a vampire. Now she was in Angel's bed and in his clothes.  
  
And the pain she felt now, he could have caused it. She knew some of the things that he had done to Dru and to other girls -and guys she was sure- that he had been involved with. They weren't pretty. He loved torture, he loved pain. And she knew he wasn't afraid to take out his frustrations out on her.  
  
Buffy began to stand. Her head throbbed and light flashed behind her eyes. She knew she would stay lying down, but she had to know what had happened to her. She took a step and felt her knees give out. She reached for the nightstand, but her hand slipped.  
  
~  
  
Angel heard the soft thud from Buffy's room as if it were a clap of thunder. He was at the doorway to the room in a second. He stopped, only momentarily, to see Buffy lying on the floor by the bed, trying to lift herself, but she was too weak.  
  
"Buffy," he said, as he gently gathered her in his arms and laid her back on the bed. She stared up at him. "What are you doing?"  
  
"What happened?" She was surprised to see the look on her face. He looked scared and almost helpless. He looked almost like her Angel.  
  
"You don't remember?" Buffy shook her head, then winced in pain. Angel bit his lips and moved a piece of her hair off her face. "You were hurt. You lost a lot of blood." He wasn't sure what to tell her. "You were out patrolling. The vampire banged you around pretty badly. He.he bit you." Buffy gasped and her hand went to her throat. Angel could see the tears begin to well up in her eyes. "He didn't take much. But you had a lot of other wounds, and you were loosing too much blood." He looked down and said sadly, "You almost died." He heard her gasp. "I called Willow, she did a healing spell, but it wasn't enough."  
  
"Willow was here?" Buffy was scared for her friend.  
  
"I needed help. I didn't know what else to do, so I called her. She'll be back over later." Angel took her hand. "You needed blood, and there wasn't enough time to get you to a hospital. I didn't want to, but I-"  
  
Her eyes widened in realization. Shock took over her and she froze for a second. Then she shook her head, despite the pain. "No, you didn't. No." Tear stung the back of her eyes. "I didn't feed off you."  
  
"There was no other way. I wasn't going to let you die!" Angel yelled at her.  
  
She froze. Tears dribbled down her cheeks. She wanted to curl up and die. She closed her eyes; she was in too much pain, she couldn't take it. She didn't want to believe what he had said. She didn't want to believe that his blood was in her, running through her veins.  
  
Angel looked at her and instantly felt ashamed that he had yelled at her. But the thought of loosing her.it was too much. "Buffy," he said softly. "Buffy look at me." She opened her eyes. They were swollen and bloodshot. "What happened to you? You're so weak. And you have scares on you that you didn't have before I left. What happened?"  
  
She looked him in the eye for a brief moment than looked away. In a meek voice, she said, "You."  
  
"Why?" he asked. "How could I have that much power over you?" he was afraid of her answer. He had noticed her becoming weaker, especially towards him, but he didn't think he had that much of a hold on her. He knew he had hurt her, he hand reveled in it, but he didn't think it had made a lasting effect on her.  
  
She mumbled, "Because."  
  
"What?" he asked her.  
  
"Because I love you," she said softly. As soon as she said the words, she wished she hadn't. Her breath caught in her throat, and she covered her mouth as she cried. She didn't know what else to do but cry. She loved Angelus, a soulless, heartless demon who had caused her more pain than she thought imaginable.  
  
Angel's eyes went wide with shock. At first he thought he had miss heard her. How could she love him? He had made her life miserable since he had turned. He had taunted and teased her, pretending to care for her, then rubbing it in her face. He had torn her heart into pieces and he had enjoyed it. He had made sure she knew there was no part of her Angel left in him, when he wasn't even sure of that himself. He watched her tiny crying, trembling form in the big bed, and did the only thing he could do. He wrapped his arms around her pulled her up against his chest. "Oh, Buffy," he whispered.  
  
~  
  
When Willow walked into the mansion half an hour later, Buffy was still crying and she was still encircled in Angel's arms. Willow didn't know what had happened, but from the way Angel was stroking Buffy's hair, he figured he hadn't hurt her. She could also tell they needed to be alone. But as she backed out into the hall, she crashed into a side table and fell backward. Both Buffy and Angel looked up. Willow saw now that Buffy's eyes were red and she cheeks tear stained.  
  
"Sorry," said Willow. She got up and grabbed the bag she had brought with her. "I just wanted to drop some stuff off and check on you." She walked back into the room.  
  
"It's okay," said Angel, lifting Buffy off him and laying her on the bed. "I'll leave you two alone." Then he said softly to Buffy, "We'll talk later." He kissed her hand and left the room.  
  
Willow sat on the side of the bed, careful not to move it too much as not to hurt Buffy. "How are you?" She began to pull the clothes she had grabbed for Buffy out of her bag.  
  
"I've been better. A lot better," said Buffy weakly. She sniffed and wiped her eyes, which were still damp from her tears. "It's all just.a little too much to handle. I almost wish he hadn't told me."  
  
Willow frowned. She felt awful for her friend. She had been through so much in the short time she had been the Slayer-she had died, she had fallen in love and lost her Angel twice; she had been forced to deal with consequences and fallbacks to problems she never in her time before becoming the Slayer thought would happen. And since she had made love to Angel on her birthday and lost him, things had only gotten worse. Willow wished there was something she could do to take away some of the pain, but she didn't know how.  
  
"He didn't want to do it, Buffy." Willow was about to say more, then she realized she was defending the thing that had made she best friend's life miserable. "You'll heal faster though, with his blood." She wished she hadn't said the last part when Buffy winced at the word blood. Willow took Buffy's hand. "We-I wasn't going to let you die."  
  
Buffy smiled weakly at her friend's words. She knew Willow would do anything for her, despite the consequences. Buffy knew that what Willow and Angel had done saved her, but she still wasn't sure it was the right thing to do. She had his blood running threw her body, cursing through her veins. She thought sent shivers threw her. She wouldn't think about that now. It had happened, there was nothing she could do about it now.  
  
Buffy clothed her eyes, squeezed them shut, trying to block out the voices in her head screaming about everything that had happened to her. She had too tell Willow; she knew if she didn't, those voices would get louder until she couldn't take it anymore. She'd end up like she did before this happened, leading herself into a dark hole that would be too hard to climb out of.  
  
She opened her eyes and looked at Willow. Her friend looked back and her questioningly. "Buffy?"  
  
Buffy took a deep breath, and her side hurt. She held back a wince; she might have broken a rib, but didn't want Willow to worry. She blinked a few times then said softly, "I told Angel I loved him."  
  
Willow looked at her and almost laughed. "I knew that."  
  
"No," said Buffy. She told herself to relax. "I told Angelus I loved him." She looked at Willow's face for a response and she blinked back the tears that stung the back of her eyes. Willow stared back at her wide- eyed, mouth open.  
  
"Oh," she finally said. "Oh."  
  
~  
  
Buffy and Willow talked for a while. They talked about everything from school, to Angel, to how bad Buffy's life was going, to what they were going to do next. Buffy knew that after this, she would have to tell Giles.  
  
Willow stopped talking when she saw Buffy yawn. She knew her friends had already slept a lot, but she was week from blood loss and the past few weeks events had taken a toll on her, as well as her fight from last night. Willow didn't know how she did it. Buffy had faced down apocalypses' and lived, been threw more hell than any of person she had every heard of, even other slayers, but she still held in there. If Willow had gone threw everything that Buffy had been threw, she would have curled up in a ball and died. But Buffy was the Slayer, and Willow knew that she would do her job no matter what happened. No matter how tired she was, or how hurt she was.  
  
"You need to rest." Willow began to get off the bed. "I'll come by later with food and stuff. I don't think Angel has much more than blood in this place." She smiled in hopes of getting her friend cheered up, but she had no success. She leaned down and lightly hugged Buffy, then kissed her forehead. "Sleep." Buffy nodded and clothes her eyes.  
  
Willow walked out of the room and saw Angel sitting in a chair near the fireplace reading a book. The flames cast eerie shadows on his face and Willow shivered. He looked up. "I'm gonna go," she said. "I'll be back later with some clothes and more things for her. She asleep right now." Angel only nodded. Willow took a deep breath and walked out of the mansion, feeling much safer once she was out of the dark palace and in the sun. Or maybe it was just knowing Angel couldn't attack her out here.  
  
~  
  
Angel let Buffy sleep for another hour and a half, and then decided to wake her. He was afraid if he let her sleep too long, she wouldn't wake up. Plus he had to re-dress her wounds. Angel gently stroked her cheek and whispered her name until she began to stir. "Buffy, baby, wake up." Angel moved some stray pieces of hair off her face, careful avoiding the cut above her eyebrow and the scrapes on her cheek. She opened her eyes, blinked and the squinted at him. "Hey," he said softly. "You need to get up."  
  
Buffy, her mind still fogger over be sleep, shook her head slightly, but stopped when dots flashed behind her eyes. Once they faded she looked at him and said, "Huh?"  
  
Angel began to lift her. Buffy just curled up against his chest and made no move to fight or question him. She pushed the thoughts running through her head away - why was he being so nice? Would it all end when she was better? Was this a sign that he loved her?- and tried to focus on where she was going. While she knew her way around the mansion fairly well, she was unsure of where he was taking her.  
  
He stopped in the master bathroom. It was huge, the size of Buffy's bedroom, if not bigger. The floor, counter tops, tub, and shower where black tile. The fixtures were silver and there were millions of white candles lit on any free surface. A large mirror took up one wall, and one of the others was covered in heavy black drapes to keep out the sun. It was totally romantic and like nothing Buffy had ever seen.  
  
Angel sat Buffy down on the ledge by the whirlpool tub and walked over to the shower. He opened the glass door and turned on the spray, waiting for the water to heat to the right temperature. Then he shut the door and shook the water off his hand. He walked over to Buffy and stood over her waiting. She looked back, her eye wide, anticipating his next move.  
  
"You need to take a shower and get cleaned up," he said stating the obvious. Buffy wasn't sure if he was just saying it to break the silence or if he really thought she didn't know what has going on.  
  
She nodded. Bracing herself on the side of the tub, she tried to stand. Her knees gave out instantly. Angel caught her around the waist and said sternly, "You can barely stand. Don't even try." Buffy nodded, blinking back tears that stung the back of her eyes. She didn't know why, but she wanted to cry.  
  
Holding her with one arm around her waist, Angel began to untie the bathrobe. Buffy tried to hold it around herself. Angel sighed exasperated and pushed her hands out of the way. "Buffy, I've seen you naked before. Now, come on. Don't make this any harder." Buffy cringed at the tone of his voice and he wished hadn't been so harsh to her. "I'm sorry. I just don't want to hurt you any more than you already are."  
  
"Then maybe you should try being nice," Buffy shot back angrily. This time Angel cringed, but Buffy felt no sympathy. He knew he deserved it. She helped him get off the robe and the bandages and soon she stood in only her bra and underwear before him.  
  
Angel took a good look at her and gasped. She was so thin. He could see the outline of her ribs clearly. Fading and fresh bruises marred her pale skin. She looked sick. "Oh, Buffy." She looked down and did her best to shy away from him. Angel pulled her to him and unhooked her bra. Buffy gasped as the cotton garment slipped down her arms and fell to the ground. She expected him to comment, to stare at her and be rude, but instead he barely looked at her chest and simply helped her remove her underwear. He made no sexual advances.  
  
Angel carried her to the shower. He sat her down on a bench outside the shower and pulled off his own shirt, then helped her into the shower. The water was warm and helped her relax. Her tense muscles were soothed and the ache the coursed threw began to fade.  
  
Angel held her from behind, and she laid back against him. The water soaked his clothes. After a moment, he sat her down on the ledge against the wall, and spray hitting her legs. He left the shower, and came back moments later, in just his damp boxers and a bottle of shower gel in hand. He stepped under the spray and within seconds, the water and glued the boxers to his body like a second skin. Buffy blushed.  
  
Angel, seemly oblivious, squired some gel onto a sponge and began to wash her body. After, he washed her hair and then rinsed the soap from her body. Then he held her, for what seemed like forever, both just listening to the sound of the water falling on them.  
  
Buffy laid her head on his chest and ran her fingers over his skin, her eyes closed just savoring the feel of him. She had never gotten to do this with Angel. After they had made love, she had been so tired that she had fallen asleep almost instantly. And with Angelus, before this, their relationship had never been loving. She wanted to stay like this forever.  
  
Angel tiled her chin up to him, and Buffy looked at him. His hair was wet and dripping onto his face. Neither moved for a moment, then Angel bent down and kissed her gently, and she kissed him back. Her body moved to get closer to him. She wanted to feel him, to taste him, to touch him, to love him. Her body screamed for his. Then the kiss was over, and he looked down at her, water dripping off his eyes lashes.  
  
"We need to talk," she said, her voice barely audible over the spray of the water.  
  
Angel placed two fingers over her lips. "I know."  
  
Then he turned off the water and helped her out of the shower, wrapping her in a black terrycloth towel almost instantly. He dried her off, holding her up at the same time. He worked over her body until she was dry. Then, she leaned back against his chest, looking in the mirror. Only her reflection shown back. It was so weird to look in the mirror and not see him, even though he was standing behind her, holding her.  
  
Angle pulled the towel away from her so that she stood naked in his arms. She looked at herself in the mirror and closed her eyes. She hadn't looked at herself in weeks. She hadn't realized how thin she was, how pale. She hadn't noticed the bruises that shown so brightly against her lifeless skin. Or maybe she had, and she didn't' want to accept that it was real. She placed her hand over Angel's as it traced over her body. He moved over her stomach and breasts, over her scare on her neck and down her arm. They both looked into the mirror, seeing only Buffy's reflection, but looking into each other's eyes. They stayed like that for minutes.  
  
Then Buffy spoke. "I'm cold."  
  
"Oh, God," Angel said. The last thing he needed was for her to get sick. He gathered her into his arms and quickly carried her into the room she had been in earlier. Pulling the covers up around her, he rubbed her cold fingers between his. "I need to re-dress your cuts, and then I can get you dressed, ok?" He didn't wait for her to answer as he reached for the first aid kit on the nightstand. He covered each cut, scrape, and gash with disinfectant and gauze, soothing her when he hurt her. When he finished, he carefully slid an oversized tee shirt of his on her.  
  
"I want to sleep in your bed," she said just as he was about to tuck her back in. Her voice was a whisper, as if she were embarrassed to ask.  
  
Angel paused her a moment. He hadn't been expecting that one. He thought for a second and the nodded. Buffy climbed into his arms and then carried her into his room. He had remade the bed after he had moved her to the other room so the sheets were clean. He pulled back the covers and laid her down, the pulled the sheet and comforter up around her.  
  
He kissed her on the forehead and was about to leave when she said, "You knew all along, didn't you?"  
  
He turned. "What?"  
  
Buffy looked down at her fingers then up into his eyes. They were so dark, almost black, and it soothed her. "You knew that I loved you." She waited for him to make a move to answer, but he said nothing, as if sensing she wanted to say more. "When I told you, it seemed as if you were more.relieved.than surprised." She looked down again. "I mean, I don't really know. I."  
  
"Buffy," he said. He moved in one fluid motion and was sitting next to her on the bed. He took one of her hands in his, and idly began to play with the rings on her fingers. He never noticed till now that the ring that Angel had giving her was no longer there. Despite himself, he felt a tinge of pride knowing that she no longer wore his proclamation of his love to her. He didn't know that it was the ring that had brought him back from hell.  
  
"For a long time," he continued, "I thought that you might have loved me. For the most part, I just figured that you were trying to find a part of Angel in me, or to pass me off as him." He took and unneeded breath and looked away. "Buffy, I knew I was hurting you, and that brought me joy. I took satisfaction in watching you cry, and hurt, and slowly I saw you withering away. I loved it." He knew that what he was saying hurt her deeply. He hated hurting he, almost as much as he hated admitting these things to her, and himself. "When I left, I did it because I finally saw what was doing to you, and I scared myself. I felt sorry for you, and I hated myself for doing those things to you. That scared me."  
  
Buffy looked at him, and she could tell that telling her this was pure torture for him. She wanted to help, but she knew he had to say these things, if not only to help her, but to get them off his back. She touched his cheek, but he pulled away and she pulled her hand away.  
  
"I'm starting to feel for you, more than passion and hatred. I started to feel things I haven't felt in along while, things I didn't want to feel. I didn't think I could feel." He saw the spark of hope in her eyes. "But I'm not capable of feeling love." That spark went out.  
  
Buffy swallowed hard, doing her best to keep herself under control. "What about Darla? You loved her. And Dru?"  
  
Angel flinched at the mention of their names. He never wanted to have to explain things about them to Buffy, but he had no choice. "I did love them, Buffy, but not in the way you know love. Darla was my sire, and I had no choice but to love her. The same with Dru. I was tied to them, in so many ways I can't explain. I don't want to go into the details of a sire/childe relationship with you Buffy, but just know, that the type of love I felt for them, isn't like the love you want."  
  
Buffy silently nodded. She didn't want to, but she knew she had to understand. There were so many things about Angel and his past that she hated, Darla and Dru on the top of the list, but now was not the time to fight about that. This was about them. Despite herself, she felt tears sting the back of her eye. She didn't try to hold them back, however. Hot tears fell form her eyes and onto Angel's hands which held hers.  
  
"Buffy," he said sympathetically.  
  
Buffy looked up and blinked. "I don't know why I'm crying. I mean, there is nothing for me to cry about." She wiped her eyes and trying to laugh. But the tears kept coming.  
  
"Buffy," said Angel. He wiped away her tears and looked into her hazel blood shot eyes. He wanted nothing else but to comfort her. "You have every reason to be upset." She just looked at him and tried to manage a fake smile. Angel sighed and looked down. "I don't know where this leaves us. I mean, Buffy, so much has happened, but I can't love you." He couldn't stand to look at her. "Everything is different now." Buffy simply nodded.  
  
Angel crawled under to covers next to her. She moved aside for him, and then curled up against his chest. Angel stroked her hair, still damp from the shower, and whispered soothing words in her ear as she drifted off to sleep.  
  
~  
  
Willow stopped by before school the next day, warning her that once Giles found out she was hurt-he would have to today, it was Monday- he would most likely find out about Angel being back. Buffy new very well that Giles would have to know, but she didn't what to tell him. She knew how much it would hurt him.  
  
Dropping her bags at the bedroom door, Willow walked to the edge of the bed and sat down. Angel had still been asleep when she arrived, but the door had been open. Knowing Angel had no real food in the house, she brought bagels and Buffy favorite, mochachinos. Her friend accepted them with a smile, but set the food aside. Willow frowned when Buffy didn't eat when the food was set in front of her.  
  
She pushed the thought away for the time being. "So, how are you? I mean, I know you can't be feeling like, totally better, but are you getting better?" Willow tended to babble when she was nervous.  
  
"I'm feeling better. I am still really sore, and I haven't even tried to walk, but the over all achy-ness has sorta faded." Buffy smiled for effect, but Willow didn't buy it.  
  
"Well, that's good," she said. She looked at the clock on the nightstand and realized she had to go soon. "Buffy, I'm going to tell Giles that you're sick. But I want you to call him later and tell him everything. He has the right to know, Buffy."  
  
"I know," said Buffy. "I just don't want to disappoint him." She looked sadly at Willow and wish, not for the first time, that none of this had ever happened. 


	7. Part 7

Buffy lay in bed, thinking about what had happened earlier that day. She had called Giles, like Willow had said, and had asked him to meet her at the mansion. She hadn't said anything else but that. She knew that it would be killing him not knowing, but she couldn't tell him over the phone.  
  
About half an hour before he was supposed to be there, Angel helped Buffy out to the living room couch. He laid her down and covered her with a blanket. He sat next to her, and stroked her hair and face, neither of them saying anything- just savoring the moment.  
  
When Buffy said it was time to leave, Angel leaned down and kissed her forehead softly and turned to go, when from behind them they heard a voice.  
  
"Hell," said Giles. Both Buffy and Angel looked up, shocked and guilty. Giles looked beyond pissed. His jaw was clenched, and his hands where balled into fists at his side. Buffy was scared to death about what he would do. Pulling a stake out of his pocket, he looked at Angel and said, "Get away from her, you bastard!" He ran towards the vampire, stake raised at his heart.  
  
"Giles, no!" Buffy yelled. Angel lasted out, back handing Giles and sending the watcher to the ground. Buffy screamed. If she didn't step in, Angel would very well kill Giles. Bracing herself in the arm of the couch, she began to stand just as Giles began to rise and Angel punched him again. Buffy stood, and fell, yelling at them to stop as she did.  
  
Angel turned, his eyes wide with horror when he saw Buffy lying on the floor. He was at her side instantly, leaving Giles like he wasn't even there. Buffy was in his arms and back on the couch in seconds. Angel checked her for new wounds then held her, almost rocking her, like a mother would hold a hurt child.  
  
Giles stood, his hand rubbing his injured jaw, mouth open at them. He wasn't expecting this. The way Angel acted when he saw Buffy was hurt, it. it startled him. He knew that Angel had almost never showed his feelings toward Buffy in public, before he turned, and he never thought that Angelus would show his either. He didn't know how, but he knew that this was Angelus, not Angel. He dropped the stake, which had somehow stayed in his hand thought out the fight. It hit the ground and the noise echoed off the stone walls. He knew that Angel would not hurt Buffy. He could tell that he had hurt her, and now, it seemed he was trying to make it up.  
  
Angel smoothed Buffy's hair off her face and roughly kissed her forehead, then looked into her tear-rimmed eyes. I'm sorry, he mouthed. She nodded slightly, and he rose, he hand remaining on her shoulder, almost as if he was showing Giles that she was his. He turned to Giles, his eyes hard. "Don't hurt her," he said.  
  
Giles looked him straight in the eyes and said, "I could say the same to you, but I'd be too late."  
  
Angel growled deep in his throat, and Buffy placed a hand on his stomach to keep him at bay. "Don't, either of you." She turned to Angel, "We need to be alone," she said. Angel nodded. He looked at Giles as he bent down to kiss her cheek, his eyes never leaving the Watcher. Giles held his ground. Angel walked out of the room, and Buffy heard a door slam from one of the wings.  
  
She looked at her hands, not wanting to look at Giles. She knew she would see disappointment in his eyes. She couldn't handle it. "Giles," she whispered. He said nothing, and she didn't hear him move. "I'm. I." She couldn't speak.  
  
"Buffy," Giles said. She didn't look up, but she could hear him walked and he sat on the couch next to her. "Buffy," he said again, his voice stern, "Look at me."  
  
Buffy looked up, tears running from her eyes. She swallowed hard and tried to find words to say what she needed to say. She looked at his eyes, dark and pained, and looked away. There was so much hurt, so much disappointment, all of which she had caused. Giles was one of the few people in the world that she truly cared about and who she truly trusted, and who cared and trusted her, and she betrayed all that when she lied about Angel.  
  
"Giles," she said, her voice horse from holding back the tears. Her throat hurt and her chest tightened. "I understand that you're disappointed, and hurt, and I know what I did was wrong." She paused and took a deep, calming breath. "But please don't hate me," she looked up ask she spoke.  
  
"Oh, Buffy," Giles whispered. While he was angry with her, he felt sorry for her. She was going threw so much, and he could only imagine what she felt. "Buffy, I am angry with you, and I am hurt, but I could never hate you." Neither of them spoke, not sure where to start. There were so many questions that had to be answered. Finally, he spoke, "Has he hurt you?" His voice was small and tight.  
  
Buffy looked at him, then down at her hands. "In more ways than you can imagine," she said without speaking. Giles gasped, and she looked up. "Giles, not." She took a deep breath and then continued. "Angelus lived for pain, he always has. He took it out on me. He tormented me with memories and making me feel for him when I didn't want to. And even in the past few weeks, when things got the worst, part of me knew that.I don't know.that part of him didn't want it." She took a deep breath, knowing she wasn't making much sense. "He hurt me emotionally and physically, but the worst part was when he tried to make up for it, or when he was like Angel." Her voice faded out at the end.  
  
"But he didn't do this," she said indicating to the cut and scrapes on her. Well, not all of it, she added silently.  
  
Giles just nodded. He knew that Angelus had made her remember things about him and Angel that she didn't want to. He knew that he made her believe that he had a soul and then break her image when she hurt the most.  
  
Once again, neither spoke.  
  
After a minutes or so, Giles said, "How long has he been back?"  
  
Buffy bit her lip, guilt filling her. But, she looked him in the eye and said, "A few months."  
  
Giles eyes widened and she was sure he would do something crazy, but instead he just sat there, trying to calm himself. "Buffy," he said once he regained his composure, "Tell me everything that's happened, from the beginning."  
  
It took her almost an hour to tell him everything, excluding the details of their private affairs; But Giles still knew that they were sleeping together. She cried almost constantly, sniffing as she tried to talk under control. Giles had sat in silence for most of the time; Buffy guessed from shock. After she had finished, Giles and her had deiced that they would bring her home the next day-her mother would be home the day after tomorrow. Joyce would be freaked out enough by her daughters wounds and she didn't need to know about Angel juts yet.  
  
Buffy rolled over in her bed and the clock read 9:34. She hadn't seen Angel since Giles came and that had been over four hours ago. She was worried about him. She took a deep breath and sat up, then swung her legs over the edge of the bed. She was still weak, and her struggle earlier with Giles and Angel hadn't helped, but she was pretty sure she would walk into the other room without falling. She used the bed as leverage and stood. She braced herself on the wall as she made her way into the living room.  
  
There was a fire in the hearth, but Angel was not there. She walked toward the kitchen and when she was a few feet away, she could feel Angel's presence hit her. Buffy had a feeling something wasn't good. She tried to walk faster, but a pain in her back told her to stop and she slowed. When she entered the kitchen, she was assaulted with the scent on liquor. She wrinkled her nose and looked at Angel sitting at the heavy oak table. He was hunched over, a bottle of whisky in one hand, the other holding his head. There was another empty bottle next to him. Buffy wondered if that other bottle had been full before he had reached it.  
  
She began to walk toward her and he looked up. His skin looked paler, if it was possible, and his eyes looked almost bloodshot. "Buffy," he said, "What are you doing up? You're hurt, you should be in bed." She didn't say anything but began to walk closer to him. He stood and in the process, knocked the alcohol bottle to the floor. It shattered and glass and liquid went everywhere. "Crap," he said and bent down tot pick up the pieces. "Don't move, you might step on the glass," he told her roughly.  
  
Buffy ignored his comment and sat down in the chair next to the one he had been in. "You're drunk," she said flatly.  
  
Angel let out a breath and laughed sarcastically. "Not drunk, yet. Tipsy maybe." He looked up at her. "It takes a lot to get a vampire drunk, and believe it or not, I haven't had as much as it takes." As he reached for a shard of glass, he sliced open his finger. "Fuck," he said loudly as crimson blood seeped from the wound. He dropped the glass he had been holding and squeezed his finger.  
  
Buffy stood and he began to protest to her. She held up her hand. Moving carefully around the glass, she knelt down beside him and looked him in the eyes. She ran a hand down his cheek and over his lips. "Giles is going to take me home tomorrow." He opened him mouth to speak, but Buffy placed two fingers over his mouth. "My mother is going to be home, and she doesn't know your back. I can't tell her yet, that means I can't stay here." She rose up on her knees and looked down at him. She took his hands a said softly, "Angel, this is my last night here." She kissed his palm and looked into his dark eyes. He said nothing. "And I don't want to spend it alone," she said boldly.  
  
Angel instantly protested. "Buffy, you're weak. And I. I'm not real steady tonight."  
  
"Angel," she said. She placed his hand over her heart. "You said yourself that you weren't drunk. I know you won't hurt me." She moved closer to him until his head was directly in front of her breasts. "I trust you." She leaned down and kissed his forehead, pulled him into her. He laid his head in between her breasts, and wrapped his arms around her.  
  
He lifted her into his arms and carried her swiftly into his bedroom. He laid her down softly, and he knew that when her head hit the pillow and she didn't protest, that she had no regrets about loving him.  
  
~  
  
Buffy had been home two days when Willow brought Xander over. Willow had told him that Buffy had been hurt, but that was all. When he got there and saw her lying in bed, scraped and bandaged up, he ran to her side and took her hand. He started asking questions. Most started with how and why. When he finally shut up to take a breath, Buffy said, "Xander, calm down. I'm fine." She looked at Willow for help, but her friend just sat in the chair at her desk. "Xand, there's something that I have to tell you. And you might not like it." Xander nodded and she said quickly, "Angelus is back. And I'm not going to kill him." Xander did nothing. He looked up Buffy blankly, his eyes glazed over. Buffy looked at Willow who looked from Xander to Buffy, and back to Xander. "Xander?" asked Buffy. She waved her hand in front of his face, but he made no reaction.  
  
Then he started laughing. Not a "haha yeah right" laugh, but a full hearty laugh. He looked from Buffy to Willow, laughing so hard both girls thought he would choke. Then he passed out. His head fell beside Buffy on the bed. The blonde looked to her best friend, who's eyes were wide. "Well, I knew he would freak, but that." Buffy said.  
  
"Was just weird," Willow finished for her.  
  
~  
  
Willow and Buffy had managed to get Xander in a sitting position next to the bed on the floor. Willow had tried yelling at him to get him to wake up, but it hadn't helped. Finally, Buffy hit him across the cheek. It wasn't hard enough to hurt him, she didn't have the strength to do that, but his eyes flickered open. He blinked a few times, and then looked around. Then his brain kicked in and he jumped to his feet. Willow jumped back, startled.  
  
"Xander," said Buffy, "be careful." She was still sitting up in bed. "I know this is all a shock for you, but I need to you not do anything crazy."  
  
He looked her in the eye and Buffy was taken aback by the look he gave her. If looked could kill, she would have stopped breathing. "Not do anything crazy?" he asked. "There's a known viscous killer on the loose and you want me to do nothing about it? Sorry Buff, but I think you might have hit your head a little too hard this time."  
  
Buffy scowled at his remark. But before she could speak, Willow said, "Xander, there's a lot you don't know. Before you so anything, I think you should listen."  
  
Xander acted as if he hadn't heard her. "Did he do that to you," he said indicating to her wounds.  
  
"No," she said. Her voice was stern. She was trying to show him who was in charge. "This has almost nothing to do with him."  
  
"Almost nothing," he said. "Almost is the key word, Buff." He walked up to her and touched the bruise above her right eye. Buffy winced. "He hurt you. And he'll hurt other people, if someone doesn't kill him."  
  
"That someone is not going to be you," Buffy shot back. She was beyond angry with him for acting the way he was. She had finally come to terms with not killing Angel and what was happening between them, but now Xander had brought it all back to the surface. "I know that you never liked Angel, and I know that the minute he turned you were glad because you finally got a chance to hate him and not be looked down upon. But things are different now. And you will not go near him." Xander tried to protest, but Buffy spoke again. "Not because you'll kill him, but because you'll get killed."  
  
Xander didn't speak. Buffy knew that he was acting the way he was partly because he was in shock. But she also knew that if he realized how stupid he was being, he would calm down. "Now, if you want to hear the rest of the story, you can stay, if not, I really could use the rest," said Buffy.  
  
"I'll go," he said. "You can tell me when you're feeling better," he said. He tuned to leave.  
  
"Will," said Buffy. "Go with him. He's not thinking clearly right now, and I don't know what he'll do." Willow nodded and followed Xander into the hallway. Buffy hear the front door close and she took a deep breath. She was glad that the only person she had to deal with telling now was her mother, and she didn't need to know about Angel any time soon.  
  
~  
  
Later that night, after Joyce was asleep, Buffy rolled out do bed and dressed. She was restless. The medicine her mother was having her take for pain kept her up. She was feeling much better. Walking no longer hurt, as long as she moved slowly, and her bruises were starting to fade. She was almost back up to eating correctly, mostly because her mother had been forcing her to eat every few hours. The wound on her stomach still hurt deeply, as well as the few deeper cuts that still had bandages on them. But her Slayer healing powers, as well as Angel's blood, had sped up her healing abilities. While she still wasn't strong enough to patrol, she felt fine and safe enough to take a walk over to find Angel.  
  
She walked down stairs and slipped out the back door. Normally, she would go out her bedroom window, but she didn't think she could make it to the ground safely. After she closed the door, and looked around and decided she would walk along the sidewalk rather than go threw the words. She was less likely to run into trouble. Even thought she wasn't patrolling, she still carried a stake and holly water and a cross, the three things she never left home without. Half way down her street, she took a left and then an immediate right and she was at the cemetery. Going threw there was the only way to get to the mansion that didn't involve a car.  
  
Almost no one living in Sunnydale knew much about the large mansion on Crawford Street. It was old, one of the oldest building, if not the oldest, in the small town. No one had live in it for at least eighty years, and no one had been up there since Angel and Spike and Dru had move in last year. To get there, you had to take a road that took you out of town, and then back in and ended at the driveway of the mansion. Or, you could walk threw one of the many cemeteries in Sunnydale and walk threw the woods to the gardens of the mansion. Buffy had only once gone by car when her and Giles had gone and looked for a group of Slithac demons they though were living up there. It turned out to be deer.  
  
Buffy pushed open the gates to the cemetery with some difficulty- normally she could push them open as if they were nothing but a sheet hanging in her way- and walked threw. Her sensed were on alert for vamps or other nasties, but she made it past the graves and crypts to the woods without any problems. There was a slightly visible path leading to the mansion, mostly from Buffy, the Gang, and Angel tacking threw there. To a passer by, they would just think it was a small opening for a rabbit or other wood animal. But the local vamps knew where it led, and stayed clear, not wanting to deal with Angel or the Slayer. The stupider vamps, well, they died pretty soon after they found the path.  
  
Buffy pushed a branch out of her way and walked slowly toward the mansion. Normally, she could just walk threw and not notice if a branch touched her. But tonight, she was careful not to hurt herself further. Once she reached the clearing where the garden used to be- now it was basically a over grown weed garden- she walked a little quicker up the stairs to the sun room.  
  
Once inside, she stopped to look around. Not much had changed since the last time she had really taken time to stop and look. Dead roses still twisted around the stone pillars and the fountain was still dry and filled with dead plants. The only difference was Buffy thought it looked beautiful. The roses and dark stone created a surreal romantic feel and Buffy just wanted to stay in there. She had always loved things with a Gothic feel.  
  
Buffy picked a dead rose from one of the pillars. The dried leaves and petals crackled under her fingers. She lifted the rose to her nose, but the flower had long since lost its scent. She dropped the flower and walked into the living room. There was a fire in the hearth but the room was empty. Even so, she could still feel Angel's presence. She walked threw the living room and toward his bedroom. When she entered his room, she could hear the shower going. She looked around his room. The bed sheets were disheveled and his clothes lay on the floor near his dresser. She guessed he had woken up not too long ago. She walked to his bed and crawled into it. She sat again the headboard and wrapped the blankets around her. She breathed deeply and inhaled his scent. As she closed her eyes and imagined him lying in this bed, his arms around her, kissing her and loving her, the water turned off and she heard the shower door open.  
  
Her eyes opened just in time to see Angel emerging from the bathroom with a towel wrapped around his waist. Water dripped off his body and his hair hung limply around his head. He looked gorgeous. Buffy smiled as her eyes ran over his smooth chest.  
  
"Hey," he said, a little startled. "What are you doing here?" He walked over to the bed and sat next to her.  
  
"I thought you would be glad to see me," Buffy teased. She stuck out her lower lip and gave a fake pout.  
  
"I am, " he said. He ran his fingers over her cheek and jaw. "I juts don't know if it's good idea that you're out at night yet. You're still weak."  
  
Buffy rolled her eyes. "I'm fine. I've been getting stronger." She took a deep breath. "I feel coped up just laying in bed all day. I need to do something." She leaned forward. "Plus," she said sensually, "I wanted to see you." She kissed him, placing a hand on his cheek. She pulled away after a second, not letting the kiss deepen. She looked into his eyes and said nothing for almost a minute and then she took a deep breath.  
  
"Buffy?" Angel asked. She blinked and looked at him. "You okay baby?"  
  
"Yeah." Her voice was breathy and sexy. She wanted him. "Kiss me."  
  
Angel was happy to oblige. He kissed her lips softly, then her cheeks and then followed her jaw line down to her neck. He licked and sucked on her jugular, sending little shivers threw her. He was imitating biting her, and as much as she didn't want to admit it -as much as she knew it was wrong- it turned her on and made her want him more. Angel's teeth gently scrapped along her skin and Buffy held his head to her. She moved so she was sitting facing him, her legs wrapped around his waist. His hands ran along her back, tracing the bandage that wrapped around her waist. He moved away from her neck and looked up into her eyes. She looked back threw heavy lids and moved to kiss him.  
  
But Angel pulled away. He pulled away from her entirely and stood. He made sure his towel was wrapped around his waist. Buffy looked at him curiously and was about to speak when Angel asked, "You got off on that?" It didn't' come out as a question.  
  
"Huh?" asked Buffy. She didn't understand what he was doing. All she wanted was to touch him.  
  
"When I pretended to bite you," he said. "You got turned on." He spoke hesitantly, as if he were speaking to a child who didn't understand something.  
  
Buffy didn't like being talked to that way. "Yeah, what's your point?" She was getting impatient.  
  
"You shouldn't," he said. There was almost a touch of disgust in his voice. "Humans shouldn't want vampires to bite them." When he spoke, he didn't look at her. It was like he was talking to himself.  
  
"Angel," said Buffy. She rose from the bed and walked toward him. "What's wrong? So what if I liked the way it felt to have you kiss my neck. It's not like you bit me."  
  
"But if I had, would you have pulled away?" he asked her sternly. He stood over her, his face inches from hers. Buffy swallowed hard. She wasn't sure how to answer. The wrong answer could turn him against her. "Buffy, when a vampire bites another during sex, it's." his voice trailed off. "The bottom line is, you shouldn't like it. And you especially shouldn't get off on it." He turned away from her and walked to the closet. He roughly pulled open the doors and pulled out a shirt and pants.  
  
"Angel," she said. He turned back to her. "I need to know. I need to know why." Her voice took on a pleading tone as she spoke. "There are so many things about you, about vampires in general, that I need to know. Like that, and like why you can love Darla or Dru and not me."  
  
Angel signed and dropped his clothes. He walked back to her and circled his arms around her. Buffy sank into his embrace and closed her eyes. She could feel the dampness of his skin seeping threw her own clothes. They stayed like that for a while, then Angel pulled away and took her hand, and lead her to the bed. Buffy moved onto the bed and sat with up against the headboard, and Angel sat next to her.  
  
"Buffy, vampires are different from humans, in more ways than I think you understand," Angel said. He took her hand and traces the delicate lines on her palm. "For vampires, blood is life. When a vampire bites someone, they can choose if hurts the victim, or if it's enjoyable, pleasurable." He looked at her to make sure she understood. She did. "Blood is almost anyways involved with sex. It's a pleasurable act for both beings. If I were to bite you, you would most likely orgasm from it." He paused and Buffy blushed. She want him to tell her these things, she needed to understand. And she was sure she could handle it. She didn't think she would blush.  
  
"Buffy, I gave you a lot of my blood the other day, and if I had bitten you a few minutes ago, it might have turned you," he said softly. Buffy gasped. She hadn't even thought of that. All she had wanted was for him to touch her, to make her feel. "Buffy, you shouldn't want me to bite you. Humans just shouldn't."  
  
"But Angel," Buffy said, "when you touched me, it felt so good." She touched her neck where his lips had been. "I don't know why, but the thought of you pretending to bite me, it makes me." she trailed off, not able to say the rest to him. She blushed again. "I know it's wrong, but."  
  
"Buffy, I know. I know that you enjoyed it." He took an unneeded breath, something he had been doing a lot of lately. "I don't know why you enjoy it, though. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you have taken some of my blood-" Buffy sucked in her breath. She still wasn't at terms with that fact yet. "I'm just afraid that if I do that again, and if you don't stop me, I'll bite you."  
  
Buffy nodded. Everything made a little more sense than it did before, but she was still confused. She laid her head back and took a deep breath. She closed her eyes and sighed. "I don't understand vampires," she said and laughed lightly. Angel smiled.  
  
Suddenly the phone rang. Both Buffy and Angel jumped in shock. Buffy didn't even know that Angel had a phone. Angel let out a frustrated sigh and reached over Buffy to pick up the receiver. "Hello," he said. There was a pause. "Giles, calm down. She's right here." Buffy's eyes widened. She didn't know that Giles knew Angel's number. She would ask him about it later. "Ok," said Angel. "Yeah, bye." He hung up the receiver. "You're mom checked in your room and freaked out when she saw you weren't there."  
  
"Oh," said Buffy. "I didn't think she's check on me. She must be freaking out."  
  
"Giles isn't going to tell you're mom anything, so when you get home, just tell her you went for a walk." Buffy nodded and got off the bed. "Let me change and I'll walk you home," Angel said.  
  
"Ok," she said. She sat back down on the edge of the bed while he pulled on some clothes, doing her best not to stare at him. Once he was dressed, he led the way out of the room and then out of the mansion.  
  
Most of the way to Buffy's house, neither of them spoke. They walked close to each other, barely touching. They were both very aware of each other, and they both knew that neither of them wanted to say good-bye. When they were at the front of her house, Angel bent down and kissed her. It was soft and passionate. Buffy held into his shoulders and he placed both hands on either side of her waist. The kiss deepen and when Buffy pulled away, she was panting. They both wanted more.  
  
"Go up into my room, threw the window," she told him. "Hide in the closet until I come up alone." She kissed him again, roughly and deeply, letting her need for him show threw. When they pulled away, he said nothing, but turned and walked toward the back of her house. Buffy took a deep breath and tried to slow her breathing. She wanted him so badly. Buffy walked to her house and walked in threw the front door, her mother sat on the couch, a cup of tea in her hands.  
  
"Oh God, Buffy," Joyce said when she saw her daughter. "Where were you?" She stood and walked to her daughter.  
  
"I just went out for a walk," Buffy said. "I couldn't sleep. I didn't mean to scare you."  
  
"I know, you never do," said Joyce, sadness in her voice. She smiled. "I'm just glad you're okay. Well, do you need any help getting back to bed?"  
  
"No, I'm fine. I'm much more tired now," said Buffy. She faked a yawn and her mother laughed lightly. "Good night," said Buffy. She walked up the stairs slowly, doing her best not to let the look of happiness spread across her features. Once she reached the top and turned so her mother could no longer see her, she moved quicker toward her room. She opened and door and shut it immediately behind her. "Angel," she said. She was breathing quickly and her heart was beating in her chest.  
  
Angle opened the door to her closet and walked to meet her in the center of the room. They embraced and kissed, passionately and needy. They both wanted each other. Buffy didn't wait to start to pull off his duster and then unbutton his shirt. Within seconds he was shirtless and he was pulling her tee over her head. They continued to kiss, only breaking away for moments for Buffy to catch her breath and to remove an object of clothing. Soon both were naked at awkwardly moving toward the bed, still in each other's embrace.  
  
As they moved under the covers, Buffy whispered, "We have to be quiet. If we're too loud, my mom will be able to hear us." Angel nodded and kissed her. As they joined, Buffy sighed and kissed him back. Neither made a noise during their lovemaking save for breathy signs and hushed pants. Angel teased her and made her want to scream for him to stop, but every time he covered her mouth with his to silence her.  
  
Afterwards, they laid together for a long time, just stoking each other's skin and hair. Neither spoke, whether for fear of waking Joyce or breaking the moment, neither knew. Finally, Buffy yawned and Angel moved off her. He rolled them over and she lay her head on his chest. She was asleep within minutes. Angel stayed awake, listening to the sound of her heart and her breathing, much like he had the first night he had spent in her room. 


	8. Part 8

Buffy awoke the next morning when the person laying beside her left the bed. She squinted threw the darkness to see Angel closing the dark curtains covering her window. She looked at the clock on the nightstand. It was five thirty six. She rolled back on the bed and stared at the ceiling as Angel joined her again. He moved under the covers and wrapped his arms around her. His body was cool, but made her body heat up.  
  
"It's almost morning," he whispered in her ear. He was so close.  
  
"I know," she said back. Once again neither of them spoke. There was a moment when Angel thought Buffy had fallen back asleep, when she sat up, pulling the covers to cover her top. She didn't look at him as she spoke. "This is the first time you've ever stayed the night," she said. Angel thought he heard sadness in her voice. "I'm glad."  
  
Angel sat up and kissed her bare shoulder. He moved his lips down her arm to her fingers. She entwined her fingers with his. They both looked at their hands for a second. "You should get dressed," said Angel. Buffy looked at him perplexed. "In case your mom comes in when she wakes up." Buffy's lips formed a little "o". Angel kissed her and Buffy placed a hand on his cheek. She moved her fingers down over his jaw and neck, to his broad chest. Angel broke the kiss and Buffy rose from the bed and walked across the room to the dresser.  
  
She didn't even think twice about the fact that she was naked and that Angel had a full view. She moved as gracefully as she could, her body still sore from her accident, along with the normal soreness that followed sex, although she hadn't been that sore after sex lately. Angel leaned back against the wall behind the bed and watched her move. She bent and opened a drawer. His eyes followed her every move. He was pretty sure she had no idea how perfect she looked, how beautifully she moved. He watched her as she dressed and then climbed back into bed.  
  
"Enjoy the show?" she teased him. There was a small twinkle in her hazel eyes he hadn't seen in a while. He'd like to see them like that more often.  
  
"You're beautiful," he said. She blushed and he smiled. Angel kissed her on the forehead and said, "You sleep. I'm going to get some clothes on." Buffy nodded and closed her eyes. She was asleep by the time he laid down next to her.  
  
~  
  
When Angel heard Joyce wake later that morning, he quickly left the bed and hid in the closet. Minutes later she entered Buffy's room and woke her daughter. Angel watched the two of them from his hiding spot. Buffy slowly woke and the two talked for a little while. Angel heard Joyce say she was going to be leaving for work in a little while and won't be home until six. He smiled. They could spend nine hours in bed together without any interruptions.  
  
When Joyce left the room, Angel waited for the door to click shut and then walked back to the bed. He kissed Buffy lightly, not making any noise; Joyce was probably back in her own room, and the walls were thin. She would be able to hear any loud noises. He slipped back into the bed and Buffy rested her head on his chest.  
  
"We get to spend the whole day together," she said softly. Underneath the covers, she traced her fingers over his bare chest.  
  
"Yeah," he answered. He slid his hand up her thigh, pulling her nightgown up as he did so. Buffy's eyes widened and he sexily raised his eye brown at her. She giggled and he laughed, a little too loudly. Buffy shushed him, placing a finger over his lips, but still laughed. Angel nodded and kissed her finger.  
  
They stayed like that for another half hour or so, until they heard Joyce leave the house and the car pull out of the drive way. Then Angel rolled them over and kissed her deeply. Buffy giggled into his mouth and was glad that her mother was working later than normal today.  
  
~  
  
Buffy and Angel spent the rest of the day making love and falling asleep in each other's arms. Buffy would wake to kisses and wandering hands and fall asleep to hushed words. Angel would spend hours watching her sleep. He could look at her forever, never tire of her golden skin and hair, never mind gazing into her hazel eyes.  
  
When he started thinking like that, he felt his heart tighten and forced himself to stop. Things were growing between them. Emotions he didn't want to feel were rising to the surface. He tried to push them away, but every time he saw her, he felt it. Love. Angelus was beginning to fall in love with Buffy Summers.  
  
He was changing. He was no longer Angelus, the scourge of Europe. He no longer found pleasure in torturing, maiming, and savagely killing innocents. He didn't however feel remorse for the hundreds of people he had killed. He didn't have a soul. He wasn't the whipped puppy he had been. It had been almost a year since he had lost his soul- a year since Buffy lost her virginity to Angel. He hated the idea of Soul Boy touching Buffy and her finding pleasure in it.  
  
Angel looked at her again. His blonde Goddess. There was a pleasant smile on her lips. He kissed her forehead and laid down next to her. He wrapped his arms around her and she curled into his embrace. Buffy sighed in her sleep and Angel closed his eyes.  
  
~  
  
Buffy woke with a start. She'd been dreaming. Willow and Xander had stolen a diamond from a museum, but everyone thought Buffy had done it. Then a giant cop/demon thingy tied her up and forced her to do dishes. Then she had woken up. Although strange, she didn't think the dream was prophetic. She took a deep breath and looked around her room. Angel still lay dormant beside her. She looked at the clock. It was close to three and she hadn't eaten all day. Her stomach growled. A part of her was glad that she was hungry again for the first time in a month.  
  
She slid out of the bed, careful not to wake Angel. She grabbed her robe and shut the door behind her. Once in the kitchen she made herself a sandwich and a cup of tea. As she ate she thought about the vampire sleeping in her bed up stairs. She loved him, that much was clear. But he didn't love her. She knew that there was something between them, something strong, but it wasn't love. Buffy closed her eyes and tried not to think about them. When she thought about them, she had an intense need to throw something. And she didn't think her mother would enjoy her plates being turned to shards. Buffy clenched her jaw and tried to relax.  
  
~  
  
Buffy climbed back into bed a half hour later. Angel slowly began to wake. Buffy leaned over him and ran her fingers over his eye brow. She traced her fingers over a small scare on his forehead. She'd never noticed it before. She suddenly wondered where he got it. As she moved her fingers, Angel began to open his eyes. He blinked a few times and the smiled at her. She smiled back.  
  
"Hey sleepy head," she said. Angel slid an arm around her and pulled her down on top of him. Buffy squealed as she was pulled down on to his chest. She braced her arms on either side of his shoulders, her face only inches away from his.  
  
Her lower body pressed into his. Angel slid his foot up her leg and she shivered in anticipation. They had already had intercourse four times, with plenty of orgasms in between. But she still wanted him. She could feel her body tighten with need and she ground her hips into his. She knew he wanted her, but he made no move to take her.  
  
"Angel," moaned out. Her breath escaped her lips in harsh pants, her heart beating like a drum in her chest. She wanted him, so much, she didn't know how much longer she could stand it. "Please."  
  
"Shhh," he whispered into his ear. He rolled them over and soon they were both moaning in pleasure. They looked each other in the eye as they reached their peak. Buffy breathed out his name.  
  
They collapsed in a heap of exhausted limbs. They were both sweaty and tired. Rolling onto their sides, encircled in each others embrace. They stayed like that for a while when Buffy started to laugh.  
  
Angel's brow furrowed in confusion, which caused Buffy to laugh harder. "What?" he asked, brushing her hair off her shoulder. He noticed her hair was stringy and matted. She would need a shower later. He smiled inwardly at the thought of bathing her.  
  
Buffy took a deep breath. "It's nothing. I'm just going to be a little sore in the morning."  
  
Angel's face was suddenly filled with compassion. He touched her cheek and asked, "Did I hurt you?"  
  
Buffy shook her head. "No, no. It's just," she paused and blushed a little, "that people tend to be a little sore after that much sex." She giggled and kissed Angel lightly. Her lips tingled when he pulled away.  
  
Angel's eyes took on a far away look for a moment, then he asked, "Your birthday is coming up isn't it?"  
  
Buffy was taken a little aback. Her birthday was just under a month away. That meant it had been almost a year since Angel and her had first made love. and he had lost his soul. Her eyes clouded over for a second, but she took a deep breath and looked him in the eye. Now was not the time to morn him. While Angel had been her first love, and he still held a place in her heart, she knew he wasn't coming back.  
  
And part of her was glad. She had admitted to loving Angelus, both to herself and to him. She had always known that Angel hated the demon part of himself, and he would hate that Buffy was able to love it. She doubted that, if he came back, their relationship would ever be the same.  
  
After a moment she answered his question. "Yeah," she said. "I totally forgot."  
  
"Oh," Angel urged her to lay her head on his chest. She curled up against him and he pulled the blankets around them. "well," he said, "don't plan anything big."  
  
"Share," said Buffy, intrigue laced her voice.  
  
"It's a surprise," he said. Angel kissed her on the top of her head. "Just don't plan anything that takes up that night."  
  
~  
  
It was nearing 6 o'clock-Joyce was do home at any minute- and Angel still hadn't left. He and Buffy were wrapped in each other's embrace, lost in a passionate kiss. Hands roamed under clothes, lips fluttered over skin. Angel's mouth moved from hers to trace her jaw line up to her ear as Buffy fount to regain her breath. Angel ran his tongue over the edge of her ear and nibbled. Chills ran over her and she giggled.  
  
Buffy hadn't really done this with Angel before. Before he had lost his soul, they'd made out a few times, but they never lost control or got to deep into it. And after he had lost his soul, they were either fighting or fucking. But, since after the accident, he had been different towards her, and things had been more relaxed between them. He was being so nice to her, so loving. They'd been having fun. While most of the time was spent in bed, they could wake up next to each other-he had never spent the night before- and smile, rather than Buffy shying away. It felt nice. It felt like it should have if Angel hadn't lost his soul.  
  
But Buffy was afraid that once she was back to full strength- and she would be soon- he would turn on her. Things would go back to the way they had been before. Part of her was afraid he was just building her up, only to break her down again  
  
Buffy was forced to push that thought out of her mind when she heard the front door open. Her mother was home. Buffy pushed Angel away from her and sat up in bed, pulling the blankets around her.  
  
"Shit," she said loudly. Angle swore in Gaelic and quickly scouted out of the bed. He gathered his clothing and pulled back Buffy's blinds. It was dark out. He pulled up the window. "I'll come by tomorrow at sundown." And then he was gone.  
  
Buffy didn't have time to think. The minute Angel was out the window, Joyce opened Buffy's door. Buffy quickly laid down and pulled the covers around her tighter. "Hey," she said and calmly as possibility.  
  
"Hi, Honey," said her mother. She sat down on the edge of the bed and stroked a piece of hair out of Buffy's face. "How are you feeling?"  
  
"Better," said Buffy. She was feeling much better. She was still very sore-but she was pretty sure that had something to do with the sex- but she wasn't as stiff and her bruises and cuts were fading. She knew she would be able to go back to school tomorrow, but she was sure her mother wouldn't let her. Joyce had made it clear she wanted Buffy to stay home and rest for the rest of the week. Buffy was pretty sure she'd be getting more rest if she was at school.  
  
"That's good," said Joyce. "I'm going to make us some dinner. Are you hungry?"  
  
"Starved." And she was. Sex burns a lot of calories. Buffy watched her mother walk out the door and as soon as Joyce shut the door behind her, Buffy sighed. She rose out of bed, quicker than she should have, and she felt a small twinge in her side. She sat back down, holding her abdomen. Even though she and Angel had spent most of the day having sex, her body had been in a mostly horizontal position for the last four hours, even if she had been moving a little. So standing up so quickly had caused more pain. She took a deep breath and then rose to her feet slowly. After carefully pulling a baggy tee and crawled back into bed.  
  
~  
  
It was Sunday afternoon. The day was overcast and rainy. Joyce was out with some of her friends from the gallery for the day, and since the sun wasn't shining very brightly, Angel had come over. Buffy was going to be going back to school tomorrow.  
  
Angel looked down at Buffy who was still trying to catch her breath. They'd both come at least three times. He smiled as she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. When she looked at him again, she smiled back. "We're not going to get to do this as much any more," he said. His voice was soft and low, unlike the commanding, harsh tone she was used to.  
  
"Yeah," she said. She raised her hand to run her fingers over his chest. He shifted his shoulder, and his muscled rippled. It was amazing that this creature could have so much power, but not be alive at all. There was no heart pounding in his hest under her fingers. Sorrow began to fill her at the thought that no love for her would ever make that heart beat, and she pulled her fingers away.  
  
Angel sensed her mood change. He took her fingers and kissed each one. In between kisses he said, "You're getting stronger."  
  
Fear began to build up in Buffy. A part of her had been afraid that after she was strong again, he would turn on her, begin acting like he had before. Hesitant, she pulled her fingers away and picked absently at her nailpolish that was in need of being redone. "Yeah, I am. I'll be able to patrol again next week, hopefully."  
  
"I don't want you doing anything that might hurt you," he said softly. Angel leaned on his arm and looked at her. Her skin hard begun to glow again, and most of her bruises had faded. He didn't want to see her get hurt anymore.  
  
"I'm sure I'll be fine," she said. Buffy rolled over and stroked his chest. She could see the clock behind him. It was just past three and her mom said she would be home late, since her friends and her were planning on going down to LA. She wanted Angel to spend the night again, but she really did need some sleep if she had any hope of returning to school tomorrow. But that didn't mean Angel had to leave right away. "How many times do you think we've had sex in the past week?"  
  
Angel laughed. "Probably more times than we could count on both our fingers and toes." Buffy giggled and they kissed. Buffy let him roll them over. "Do you want to add to that number?"  
  
"Yes," Buffy said breathily.  
  
~ When Buffy walked into the library the next morning, tired, but happy, she was greeted by Willow and Giles. Xander was sitting at the table, looking at a comic book, seemingly uninterested in her return. She knew he was still upset about Angel. She doubted he would ever get over it. But she knew he wouldn't be mad at her forever. They were best friends, and she didn't think a thing like this would tear them apart.  
  
"How are you feeling?" Giles asked.  
  
"I'm good," she said. And she was. Her muscles had stopped hurting every time she moved and there were only a few open wounds left on her body. "I think I can start patrolling again."  
  
"I think you should wait a little bit," Giles said. Buffy was about to argue, but she knew she would get nowhere.  
  
"Well, I'm glad you're feeling better," said Willow. The redhead hugged her friend gently, afraid to that she would hurt her.  
  
Buffy knew her friends would be gentle and hesitant with her for a while until they were sure she was fully healed. Buffy just sighed and looked at Xander. He was still looking at the comic book, still uninterested. "Hey Xand," Buffy said.  
  
"Oh, hey Buf," he said, not looking up. He said nothing else.  
  
"He's been like this since he found out about Angel," Willow said quietly. She felt bad for Xander, but she also felt like he was acting childish. He should get over his hatred for Angelus enough to be happy for Buffy. He should be glad that she hadn't died, and that she had possibly found happiness again.  
  
"It's ok," said Buffy. She understood that it must be hard for him, and she figured only time would change his feelings toward Angelus. In fact, they all needed some time to adjust to everything that had happened. 


	9. Part 9

Buffy had been back to school for a week before Giles let her go patrolling again. It had been two and half weeks since the accident, and Buffy had managed to convince him that she was strong enough to go out again. She's been screwing Angel for the past two weeks, although Giles didn't know that, and she was sure that if she could handle that, she could handle patrolling. Plus she knew that Angel had told all vampires under his control that if they went anywhere near her, they would die very painfully. And all the vampires knew of Angelus's love of pain, and not wanting to evoke that love, stayed out of Buffy's way.  
  
As Buffy staked her second vampire of the night, she revealed in the feeling of adrenaline rushing through her veins and the air blowing the dust around her, despite the fact that she hated trying to get it out of her hair and clothes. Once the vampire was no more than a statistic- Vamps:0, Buffy: too large of a number to count- Buffy put the stake back into her pocket and turned around.  
  
Angel stood directly in front of her. Buffy, startled, jumped and let out a small squeak. Surprised that she hadn't felt his presence, Buffy scowled and looked him in the eye.  
  
"You really shouldn't sneak up on people in a graveyard, lover," she snapped. "Especially not people who would normally put a stake right threw your little heart when you sneak up on them." Playfulness had snuck into her voice at the end, and as Angel moved his arm around her waist, she didn't stop him. She only moved closer to him.  
  
"Well, lover," he whispered into her ear, "what are you going to do about it?" His other hand unclipped her hair, and the blonde tendrils cascaded down around her shoulders. The moon shone off them and her hair sparkled, as did her eyes.  
  
Buffy leaned back slightly to shake out her hair, and Angel dipped her. Caught off guard, Buffy grasped tightly onto him with both hands and gasped. She looked into his dark eyes and saw need and passion. They hadn't been together in days-he'd been out of town, and then her mother had been home every other night-and he wanted her. They stayed like that for a moment, both lost in each other's embrace, before Angel kissed her. Buffy eagerly accepted the kiss, and clung to him.  
  
She needed him, like she needed are to breathe, and like he needed blood to survive. Without each other they would die.  
  
Buffy pulled away for air, and Angel moved to her neck. His mouth moved over her sensitive skin. He could feel the veins pulsing beneath her skin, and desire filled him. He felt the hunger for both her and blood rise and he began to change. His eyes changed from chocolate to amber, and Buffy could feel his face transform against her throat.  
  
She gasped as she realized what was happening. She felt his fangs graze her skin, and she knew that he didn't have much control left. But she simply moved one hand to the back of his neck and urged his mouth to her throat. Not thinking, Angel bit down, and her hot blood spilled into his mouth.  
  
Pleasure and pain hit Buffy like a shockwave, and she dug her nails into his skin to keep from exploding. Dizziness overcame her, and her body convulsed in pleasure. Coming harder than she ever had in her entire life, Buffy screamed out his name and Angel continued to feed from her.  
  
After a moment when numbness started to fill her body, Angle pulled away and returned his face to its human visage. Buffy hung limply in his arms, eyes closed, not having enough energy left to do anything else. Angel cradled her in his arms until her eyes opened and she smiled at him. She pulled herself up and wrapped her arms around his neck.  
  
"That was very." she paused to think of a word. Her words were breathy and her voice low. After a moment she said, "Intense."  
  
"You seemed to enjoy it," Angel replied. He took Buffy's hand and led her over to a tree about eight feet away. He sat down against the trunk of the tree, and pulled Buffy down onto his lap. He wrapped his arms around her small frame and Buffy laid her head against his chest.  
  
Buffy realized for the first time how much like a normal couple they looked. He was being nice to her-loving one would even say. And while she loved it more than anything, it also scared her. Every report of Angelus she had ever read or heard of, reported him to be a viscous, heartless killer, not caring who or what he destroyed in the path of his joy. He reveled in the looks of horror and shear panic. He fed off of their fear, he lived for it. Whether he was killing, raping, maiming, it was all a thrill for him.  
  
But this wasn't Angelus, the monster that had ripped threw Europe decades ago. And this wasn't the Angel she had originally fallen in love with. If it was possible, he was somewhere in between. Angelus would never have sat with her under a tree or nursed her back to health, but Angel never would have thrilled her or brought her to the highs that she felt now. It was almost as if the two identities had formed into one.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and breathed in his scent. He always smelling like soap and cologne, a scent she found very sensuous. Buffy placed one hand on his chest and the other played with the small blades of grass that surrounded them. She could feel his cool, smooth skin through his silk shirt. She didn't think that Angelus even owned anything made of simpler fabrics like cotton. Too cheep for his expensive tastes. But she had to admit, his choice in fabrics did feel better on her skin.  
  
"This is nice," she said with a sigh. She didn't look at him as she spoke. Angel pulled her closer and ran his hand over her shoulder. "It's almost like.like we're not us. We're a normal couple, in love." As soon as she said the words and felt Angel's muscles stiffen, she whished she could take them back. She pulled away from him and turned to look at him, her eyes wide with guilt. She could have possibly ruined the most perfect moment she had had with him.  
  
Angel didn't look at her. Instead, he said, "I've got to get back to the mansion. I'm expecting someone." He began to rise.  
  
Buffy rose and touched him arm. He looked at her with a look that told her he didn't want to talk about it. Her hand retreated and she watched as he walked towards the entrance to the cemetery. "I'll call you," he said without looking at her. They were the same words he had said to her the day after they had made love, when she had realized that he no longer had a soul.  
  
Tears stung the back of her eyes and her lower lip began to tremble. But Angel didn't turn around to say he was sorry, or to see if she was ok. He continued to walk. Buffy watched him until he was out of site, hoping that for some reason he would turn around. But once she could no longer see him, she sunk to her knees. She had feared this would happen the entire time, and now it was. A part of her had always known that when she was well again, he would no longer be caring and loving. But the thing that hurt the most was that she was sure now that he really didn't love her.  
  
~  
  
When Buffy entered her house the night, she wished her mother was home. Joyce had reluctantly left for two days to go on a buying trip in Santa Monica. Buffy had told her mother that she would be fine, but now she wished she were here. She'd tell her everything, that Angel was back, and that he was evil. But she was alone tonight. At the beginning of her patrol she thought she might have been spending the night with Angel, but all her hopes were dashed.  
  
She showered quickly and the got read for bed with out eating. She knew she should eat something- all she had eaten today was an apple for breakfast-but she wasn't hungry. After crawling into bed, she realized that the light on her phone was blinking. She had messages. She hit the button and waited for the first message to play.  
  
It was Willow. "Hey Buffy. It's me. I was wondering if you didn't get in too late tonight if you wanted to have some girl time. We haven't really gotten a chance to talk much, and.I miss it. Well, give me a call. Bye."  
  
Buffy looked at the clock and was surprised to see that it was only ten forty five. Willow would sill be up, and probably would still want to do the whole girl thing. And Buffy could really use someone to talk to. She called Willow and they decided that the redhead would spend the night at Buffy's.  
  
After she hung up, Buffy went downstairs to see if they had any microwave popcorn and other junk food goodies. She raided the fridge and cupboard and placed some of each food on a plate and then on a tray to carry into the living room. She then pulled out a bunch of movies for them to watched and waited silently for her friend to appear.  
  
Five minutes later the doorbell rang. Buffy rose to let Willow in, but when she opened the door it wasn't Willow she found. It was Spike. And a very drunken Spike at that.  
  
His hair was disheveled and his clothes were rumpled, like he's slept in them numerous times. He leaned against the door jam, one arm above his head, the other holding a bottle of scotch. His eyes looked glazed over and Buffy was pretty sure she wouldn't be able to get any thing of any importance out of him. Like why he was here.  
  
"Hello Slayer," he said, trying to sound as menacing as possible, which wasn't very, do to the fact that his words were slurred and a bit of drool fell from between his lips.  
  
Buffy grimaced. He was pathetic. "Just what I wanted." She thought about slamming the door in his face right now, and then reveling in the yelps of pain as his nose was damaged by the door, but then decided that she would humor him. "What do you want, Spike?"  
  
Instead of answering, he kind of looked around, like he was lost, and then his eyes fell shut. Moments later there was a sickening thud as the back of his scull connected with her front porch. Buffy looked at him for a moment, trying to decide what to do. She didn't really want to bring him inside, but she knew if he woke up where he was, he would just barge in, probably around the time when the sun was rising, and then Buffy would have to deal with him for an even longer period of time. For some reason, the thought of killing him never crossed her mind.  
  
When Willow began to walk up the walkway, she didn't recognize the body lying at Buffy's feet. But once she got close enough, the bleach blonde hair instantly told her whom it was. "What happened?" she asked. Willow carefully stepped around him and into the Summer's house.  
  
"He just kinda showed up drunk. Then, he passed out." Buffy kicked his leg to see if she would get any sort of response. Nothing. "Do you think vampires can get alcohol poisoning?"  
  
Willow placed her overnight bag on the stairs behind them and then stepped beside Buffy. "Not sure. I thought they couldn't get drunk."  
  
"They can," said Buffy, remembering what Angel had said the last night she had spent at the mansion. She pushed back the immediate flood of tears that threatened to fall at any moment. She and Willow would talk about that later, but now they had to deal with Spike. "It just takes a lot of alcohol to do it. And from the looks of it, I think he drank enough to get the entire state of California a life time membership to AA." Once again Buffy kicked Spike, a little harder, but he still didn't move. "Ok, help me get him inside."  
  
Willow looked at Buffy like she had just grown another head, but said nothing. She bent down to help the blond. Each girl took one of his arms and pulled him into the house. His bottle of scotch had fallen from his hands and was spilling all over Buffy's porch. She was pretty sure he was going to be pissed about it when he woke up. Once in the living room, they dropped him on the couch. They both stood back for a moment, as if examining a work of art. But the thing that lay haphazardly on her couch was not a work of art. While well built, and even hot and some times, Spike was crude, perverse, and all out a pain in Buffy's ass.  
  
After a moment, Buffy slapped him hard across the face. It was definitely hard enough to bruise him, and when he didn't move, Buffy began to worry. She hit him harder again in the same spot, and he twitched. Just as she was about to hit him again, he shook his head and opened him eyes.  
  
Not sure where he was, he looked around. When his eyes fell on the Slayer and the redhead, his eyes widened. "What the hell am I doing here?"  
  
"Why don't you tell us," Buffy said. Spike laughed. Even with her arms crossed over her chest and a look of pure annoyance on her face, the fact that she was dressed in a Winnie the Pooh tank and her hair was piled on her head so that she looked like Pebbles made her look like a ditzy cheerleader.  
  
Buffy glared at him, and he choked back another laugh. No need to piss off the Slayer. Spike began to sit up, but was hit with a wave of dizziness, and leaned against the couch. He was pretty sure he was going to puke. After a moment, he said, "I'm here." Then he remembered why he was here. Well, not exactly why he was here in Sunnydale, or in Buffy's home, for that matter, but he knew why he was no longer is South America, where he's been for the past few weeks.  
  
Dru had left him. She had gotten bored with him, something he was sure would never happen, and she had left him. He woke up one evening, surprised to find himself alone in the bed. Only thinking she'd gone out to eat, he thought nothing of it. But when he found the note on the dresser, he wanted to kill himself. She had claimed he'd lost his fire, that he no longer kept her interested. She wanted new blood.  
  
And somehow, he had ended up back here. He was still not really sure why he was here, but he was beginning to regret it. When he finally looked at Buffy again, he realized she and Red were still waiting for an answer. Thinking quick, he made up a lie that was somewhat believable-he didn't want to admit to anyone that Dru had left him; he did still have a reputation to hold up. "I thought I'd come back and say hi to some old friends. I haven't gotten to spend much time with old Angelus, and I would kinda like to get to see the guy." That was biggest load of bullshit that Spike had ever delivered to anyone. He hated Angelus. Spike's sire had been his everything when he had first become a vampire: Angelus taught him everything, cared for him, basically kept him alive so to speak.  
  
But Angelus had also been more than that. More than anything, he had been Spike's lover. Dru had been fascinated with Spike, and when Spike wasn't exactly sure how to please the insane vampire, Angelus had showed him what to do, and more. The three of them would spend hours upon hours in bed together, never tiring of the constant pleasure they fed each other. Darla was constantly coming and going, but when she was around, Spike had to fight for Angelus's attention, and it killed him.  
  
And when Angelus had been cursed with his soul, he had left Spike and the vampire world behind. Spike had tried his best at getting hid sire to return, but Angel shunned his childe. Spike was crushed. His father, brother, and lover was gone. Spike hated Angelus for leaving. Dru, also destroyed, had clung to Spike for support, and after a few years, then finally the two only needed each other to survive. But Spike could never completely get rid of the feelings he still had for his sire.  
  
Buffy gave him a skeptical look and Spike knew that she didn't buy his cover. He rolled his eyes and sighed. "Ok, ok." He paused and began to sit up, slowly due to the amount of pain cursing threw his head. It was like every drop of alcohol had left his body and he was now left with the wonderful feeling of a hangover. Normally, since he didn't get drunk, he didn't get hangovers. And since it took a lot to get him drunk, when he did have a hangover, it was very painful. After clearing his head enough, he began his story. "I was down in South America, and after a bout with Dru, we decided to take a break and I decided to come back up here and give you guys a hard time. This place is practically like home to me now, so I figured why not visit my family." There was so much disgust in his voice it even made him sick. Or maybe that was the hangover.  
  
Buffy looked at Willow and saw the same disbelief that she was sure was written on her face. She was pretty sure that Dru had left Spike, but she wasn't sure he had come back here on his own accord. He was a demon at heart, and a selfish once at that, so she guessed he was here for something, money or otherwise. "Well as much as we would all love a great big family reunion, I think we can skip it." She grabbed him by the collar of his duster and began to pull him towards the front door. "Now get your lazy drunk ass out of my house. Go find another family to bug." Buffy froze. She hoped he didn't actually do that; he might kill them. But since Spike couldn't walk in a strait line right now, she doubted he'd do any pertinent damage.  
  
Spike stumbled out of the Summer's front door and onto his ass. He looked up at the girls just in time to see the front door slam. The noise caused his head to throb. "Bloody hell!" He shouted, which only caused the pain to increase. As he raised his hand to massage his aching temples, he noticed that his left hand and the left side of his leg was wet. Then he saw his empty bottle of scotch with its contents spilt around and under him. "I really hate this place," he said to no one in particular.  
  
~  
  
After Buffy and Willow had rid themselves of Spike, they set themselves in front of the TV with a big bowl of junk food, plenty of which was chocolate. After an hour or so of mindless TV and girly chit chat-none of which covered the Angel category- Buffy began to yawn. It was getting late and she hadn't slept well the night before. "Ready for bed?" she asked Willow.  
  
Willow, who was practically asleep next to her friend on the couch nodded and began to rise. Buffy followed and the two friends made there way up to Buffy's room. As the girls got situated in the bed, Willow asked, "Buffy, do you want to talk about Angel?"  
  
Buffy swallowed hard and blinked. She had been able to block him from her mind for the entire night, but now she couldn't stop his words and actions from reeking havoc in her mind. Hot, salty tears ran from her eyes and she choked back a sob. She loved a demon who didn't love her back, and now her fears were coming true. She knew once she was better he'd turn on her. If she had said what she had said tonight a week earlier, she was sure he would have shrugged it off. But tonight he had walked away and she was pretty sure he wasn't going to come walking back in.  
  
Willow took her friend into her embrace. "It's ok, Buffy. Everything is going to be ok." And while Willow wished she was right, she knew that there could be no happy ending where Angel was concerned. He-evil or good- and Buffy were damned together, and they were damned apart. She just wished there was some way she could make it easier for her friend.  
  
~  
  
As Buffy cried out the entire tail of what had happened over the past few hours to Willow, Spike entered the mansion with the intent of pissing off his sire to the point that Angel would get so fed up with him and either put him out of his misery or tie him to the wall and punish him for interrupting his perfect evening, and Spike wasn't sure which of the two sounded better. As he walked into the large living room, he looked around for his sire. The poof wasn't there. Spike made his way through the many rooms that Angel might be in, and after finding him in none of them, Spike retreated to the room he had occupied during his short stay in the mansion.  
  
The air was thick and dust covered everything from the bed covers to the white pillar candles on the dresser. Even though the bed was made, the bed sheets were old, not that Spike cared. He let his tired and alcohol saturated body fall limply onto the bed and dust plumed up around him. Spike didn't breath so none of it affected him. After pulling down the coverlet, he closed his eyes, and let the feeling on sleeping in a familiar room drug him to sleep.  
  
~  
  
Angel stormed angrily into the mansion and instantly felt another presence. It wasn't human, but was very familiar. He was overcome with the feeling that only a childe could bring to then surface, and he knew instantly that Spike was sleeping somewhere within the mansion walls. Not sure what he was going to do once he found him, Angel pulled his coat off and walked quickly and silently into the room where Spike slept. He halted at the door and waited to see if Spike woke, but the blond continued to sleep.  
  
Angelus couldn't help but feel a bit of pleasure in seeing his childe asleep, vulnerable and peaceful. It was almost that of what a mother sees when she watches her baby sleep, but Angel felt more. Though the relationship between Spike and Angelus was strained to say the least, Angelus knew that if he crawled into that bed with Spike, the blond would not push him away. And that's was he did. Angel stripped off his shirt and shoes and crawled into bed next to his childe. With one arm around the younger male, Angel drifted off to sleep and put all thoughts of Buffy Summers out of him mind for the time being.  
  
~  
  
Willow left just after lunch the next day and Buffy was left alone to think. She didn't want to think, she didn't want to feel. She hurt and she was angry with both herself and Angel. There were too many thoughts and feelings running through her mind and heart, all of which contradicted each other. She could turn her back on Angel and kill her before he killed her, which she was sure he would do in the end. Or, she could accept that she loved him and he didn't love her, and try to be in some kind of demented, perverse relationship with a soulless killer. Neither one sounded appealing.  
  
She did know however, she couldn't wait for him to come to her. Buffy knew that if she walked into the mansion, with her emotions running wild and not thinking strait, she very well might not walk out alive. But that didn't scare her. She was more afraid of loosing him and having him torture her again than she was of dieing.  
  
Buffy, dressed in leather pants and a leather jacket, put a stake in her back pocket and left the house. As she shut the door behind her, she looked back, knowing it might be the last time she saw it. 


	10. Part 10

Spike woke the next morning to find a strong arm around his waist. His nostrils were assaulted with the smell of the Slayer, which was almost as strong as the scent of his sire. Confused and slightly frightened, Spike threw the arm off him and rolled away from the slumbering body and off the bed. Landing in a fighting stance, he looked back at the bed. Angel was beginning to wake. Not sure what to do, Spike held his ground as Angel stirred.  
  
Angel opened his eyes and looked at Spike. The blonde's hair was tousled and his close were also. Angel smirked. That's the way Spike normally looked when he and Angel emerged from a bed together. Although the clothing was normally gone. "Hello William."  
  
"What the hell do you want?" Spike asked, not relaxing his body. He was ready to strike if Angel should attack. He wasn't in the mood for sharing pleasantries with his sire. Spike had way too many unfinished battles with him, and too many hurt feelings to just let them fly out the window. He wasn't going to run into his sire's bed.  
  
"Well, I think I should be asking you the questions since you're in my house," Angel shot back. He began to rise from the bed. Running a hand through his sleep messed hair, he stretched and rolled his shoulders.  
  
"Well, you were in my bed, so I get to ask." Spike's arms began to tire of being in a punch ready position, so he shifted his weight and dropped his arms, but he was still ready to pounce.  
  
"I really don't want to deal with this right now. If you aren't going to play, then I'm going to find someone who will." Angel turned to leave.  
  
When he was almost at the door, Spike said, "Like your Slayer bitch?" After the words were out of his mouth an Angel froze, Spike wished he had kept quiet. The tension in the room built.  
  
Angel slowly turned, and Spike was surprised to see a smile on his sensuous features. "For your information, I'm not fucking the slayer. But you might want to keep your mouth shut or there will be something in there to keep it open." His voice lowered to a breathy whisper. "And I'll enjoy it more than you will."  
  
"Highly unlikely," Spike shot back. Angel looked intrigued. "It's highly unlikely that you're not diddling the Slayer," Spike clarified, although Angel's threat wasn't really that awful. "I can smell her all over you. So unless you've been buying some Au de Slayer, then you've probably spent the past few months screwing her brains out." Spike knew he was digging himself into a deep hole, the but the look on Angel's face made it too good to stop. "That little whore lets you do her and she knows you can't possibly love her. How fucked up is she?"  
  
Angel dove at Spike and had him pinned to the wall by the neck in seconds. Anger ran through him like fire and he wanted to kill Spike for what he had said. But after a moment, as the words sunk in, Angel realized it was true. Buffy loved him and he was sure he could do anything to her and she wouldn't stop loving him. And he didn't love her so what did it matter what he said about her, or to her for that matter? He didn't care what happened to her as long as she still came crawling back for a good fuck. Right? She didn't mean anything to him, did she? He pushed the small voice in his head telling him that he cared for her away.  
  
Just as Spike was sure Angel was going to do him in, his sire laughed. And not a murderous laugh, but a full hearted one. Then Angel's lips were on Spikes in a hard kiss. Spike felt his sire's tongue brush against his for a moment, and then Angel was gone. Spike fell from the wall, gripping his throat.  
  
"Thanks William," Angel yelled from the hallway. Moment later Spike heard Angel's bedroom door shut. Spike was left alone for the time being, and wanting more.  
  
~  
  
Buffy walked into the mansion with her head held high even though she was filled with fear. It wasn't death she feared-death would be a rescue from this hell she was living. But she had pissed off Angel last night, and she feared that he might turn her. Then he would have her as his vampire whore forever. A shiver ran through her at the thought.  
  
As she made her way toward Angel's bedroom, she steeled herself. She would not allow herself to run. She had to face him. She was tired of running from problems. She reached the door and stopped before opening it. She took a deep breath and pushed open the heavy door. Angel lay on the bed, shirtless. He was reading, but he dropped the book as she entered the room.  
  
With a half smile he said, "Well, if it isn't my little slut." He saw her freeze in confusion and laughed. "What? Don't like that name? How about whore?"  
  
Buffy couldn't believe what she was hearing. She never expected this from him. He had never done this to her before. Tears stung the back of her eyes and she begged them not to fall. She couldn't let him see how much his words were affecting her. "What?" she asked.  
  
"O come on, Buff," Angel said, rising from the bed. "You don't think you're a whore? You sleep with a demon who doesn't love you, who only loves the way you fuck." He watched her lower lip tremble and something deep inside him screamed for him to apologize and comfort her. But he continued to talk. "Now why don't you get on your knees like the good little slut that you are? You know how much I love you on your knees." He laughed and a tear ran down her cheek.  
  
"How can you say that?" she asked. Her worst fears were coming true. She knew he would turn on her, but she never thought he could be like this after everything that had happened. Or maybe in the back of her head she knew that he could be this cruel after everything that had happened, and she just didn't want to believe it.  
  
"Aw, Buff," Angel said with mock sympathy. He ran his hand down her cheek and she stepped away. Angel grabbed her wrist and pulled her to him, suddenly furious. Buffy fought to get away. "You will not turn away from me." Buffy fought to pull away but he grabbed the back of her neck and tangled his fingers in her hair, pulling hard. His face was inches from hers and he ground out his words through clenched teeth. Anger danced in his eyes dark eye-eyes so dark they looked black- like flames. "You are mine and you will do what I say."  
  
He threw her onto the bed and was on her instantly. He straddled her hips and held her as still as possible with one hand. Buffy fought. She screamed for him to get off her as he began to pull off her clothes. She beat against his chest and grabbed his hands away, but he was stronger and held her down. He slapped her across the face to try to get her to stop. She yelled at the top of her lungs for help, but she knew there was no one to help.  
  
"No, please," she begged him. Angel began to rip her pants off her. This couldn't be happening. Angel had had her many times, but never had he raped her. She had always been willing. But now she wasn't. He had been teasingly cruel while they had been together, but he had never hurt her, never been so truculent. "Stop!" she screamed, tears streaming down her face.  
  
Fed up with her fit, Angel wrapped his hand around her throat. She stopped yelling as her air supply was cut off. She struggled for breath and tried to pull his hands away as Angel said, "Shut up. There is no one here to help you now, my Slayer slut." Just as she was at the point of passing out, Angel pulled his hand away and went back to undressing her.  
  
Buffy sobbed. She couldn't fight him off her; there was nothing she could do to stop him. "Please," she cried. "Don't, Angel please."  
  
"I'm not Angel," he seethed. "He died when you slept with him, whore." With one hand Angel undid the button fly to his pants. He kissed Buffy hard on the lips but she didn't kiss him back. He tasted the salt of her tears. In the back of his mind, in the heart he no longer had, something screamed for him to stop, but he didn't. He pushed the bit if a soul that he had away and told himself he could do this, that he should have done it a while ago. He didn't love her, he never would. He couldn't love, he didn't have a heart, he told himself. I don't care if I hurt her. I don't care about her. He pushed open her legs and ignored her screams as he raped her.  
  
Buffy closed her eyes and cried. She begged him to stop, but he kept going. Finally, he pulled away from her. She heard him buttoning his pants, but she didn't open her eyes. She continued to sob. Her mind wouldn't register what happened. She couldn't think about it.  
  
"Be gone by the time I'm back." Angelus's voice was void of emotion.  
  
Buffy waited until she no longer felt his presence before she opened her eyes. Still in tears, she pulled on her clothes. When she had come here, she had not thought he would do that. She didn't think that he would ever be evil enough to do that. But she had been wrong.  
  
~ Buffy laid on Angel's bed for a long while-she wasn't sure exactly how much time had gone by-and she wasn't afraid of him coming back. He had most likely taken the sewers out to Willy's or somewhere else where he could find some innocent to kill. She was pretty sure he wouldn't be back until he was sure she was gone. He wouldn't want to talk to her. So Buffy lay there, one hand on her stomach, the other against her throat. Her eyes were glazed over and there were no thoughts going through her brain. She felt nothing, thought nothing, saw nothing. She didn't feel the silk comforter under her supine body. She didn't feel the cool air make the hairs on her arms stand on end.  
  
She just laid there.  
  
It seemed like forever before a thought registered in her mind. The things that had happened to her replayed themselves in her mind, and terror began to fill her. She had been raped. The man-demon-she loved had raped her. Suddenly heat ran through her body and she ran towards the bathroom. She vomited up more food that she eaten in the past few days, and she began to dry heave. Her throat burned and tears ran down her cheeks. Finally she calmed herself enough and she sat back against the wall. She pulled her knees into her chest and buried her head in her knees.  
  
How could she have let this happen? How could she have been stupid enough not to think this would happen? How many times did her friends warn her about Angelus, telling her he was evil and would turn on her, and she had shrugged them off? Why hadn't she listened?  
  
Because she loved him.  
  
No matter what he had done to her, she had loved him. And she had convinced herself that deep down he loved her too. He had been loving and caring, building up her self worth that he had previously destroyed. And he taken care of her after she had been hurt. She had thought that after he realized that he could really lose her, that it had made him realize how much he cared for her. But it had all been a façade.  
  
She realized it now.  
  
Everything her friends had said had been true. And so had everything Angel had said to her today. She was a whore. She slept with someone who didn't love her, who was simply using her. And she had let him. She had come to him willingly. And tonight he had taken advantage of that fact.  
  
Buffy wondered if he even felt the slightest bit of remorse as he was raping her.  
  
She slowly pulled herself to her feet. Shaking she walked back to Angel's bed and pulled on her clothes. She had been wearing a turtleneck sweater- it was January, and while it didn't snow in Southern California, it still got chilly- and there was a hug rip down the right side of the neck to mid way down her right arm. She didn't remember him ripping it. After she had dressed, she began to walk slowly out of the mansion. She felt another vampire presence-it wasn't strong enough to be Angel's- but she ignored it.  
  
Buffy's legs felt like they could go out from underneath her at any moment. She walked slowly and hesitantly out of the stone building that was now felt like a prison to her.  
  
~  
  
Spike had felt the Slayer enter the mansion but he hadn't dared go out to see what she was there for. He knew very well she was here to see Angel. But from the way things ended, he was pretty sure she hadn't expected to be raped. A part of Spike had wanted to go in and stop Angel, but a larger part was smart enough to know that it would only anger his sire more.  
  
Spike watched as Buffy walked out of the mansion, hunched over in pain and crying. She held her body and Spike hoped the bastard died for what he did to her. Even Spike, who had been evil and a royal bastard himself, had never raped someone, and he never would. It took a true monster to do that.  
  
~  
  
Willow hadn't talked to Buffy in three days. After she had left her friend's house on Saturday, she had called several times throughout the day- leaving a message most of the times-and had not received a call back. On Sunday, she called again and Mrs. Summers answered the phone. Buffy was sick and didn't feel well enough to talk, but Joyce would let Buffy know Willow had called. Willow had expected Buffy to call her back later that day, but she hadn't. Now it was halfway through Monday, and Buffy was home sick.  
  
It was lunch and Giles was in a meeting, Xander was making out with Cordelia somewhere, and Oz was away with the band, so Willow was by herself in the library. Normally she found time alone in there calming and relaxing, but today her nerves where on end, and even though the mid day sun was streaming threw the window, every creak and soft noise made Willow jump. She had her laptop out and was trying to keep herself busy searching pagan sites, but she couldn't keep her eyes on the screen. She looked at the clock every few minutes, only to find that she still had more than half of her lunch period to go.  
  
She was concerned for her friend. When she had asked Joyce what Buffy had, she said she thought it was just a bad cold or the flu, but that Buffy seemed to be in her own world. Joyce assumed that stress was getting to her and it had finally become too much. But Willow didn't buy it. She knew something else was wrong with Buffy and the she had been lying to her mother. Willow knew that it had to do with Angel. She just didn't want to know what he had done to her this time that had the Slayer confined to her bed. When Willow asked if she could stop by to see Buffy, Buffy had told her mother she didn't want to see anyone, not even Willow.  
  
Now, as the redhead sat alone, she began to think of all the horrible things that Angel could have done to her friend. Most of them made her nauseous and she had to push her sandwich away. She knew she should talk to Giles about it-he had only known that Buffy had been sick today, and he had simply said that she probably was still lagging from her accident-but she didn't want to concern him or get too many people involved when it was obvious that Buffy didn't want anyone to know what was really wrong. Then there was the fact that Buffy really did have the flu and just didn't want anyone to catch it so she kep them away.  
  
But that just didn't make sense to Willow. She tried to push the thought out of her mind, but she couldn't stop the nagging feeling that something was terribly wrong.  
  
~  
  
Angelus dreamt. Vampires didn't normally dream, and when they did, it was usually prophetic. But this dream was of something that had already come to pass.  
  
He watched himself verbally abuse Buffy, call her a whore, and them hold her down while he forced himself on her. He heard her screams echo in his head. He had blocked out her screams before. He couldn't handle her begging him to stop.  
  
As he dreamt and watched himself hurt her over and over, anger boiled up in him. Anger at her for loving her, anger for letting her effect him, but mostly anger at himself for raping her.  
  
His dream repeated itself over and over, until he couldn't take it any more. In his sleep, Angel screamed. He sat up in his bed. His eyes were wide and his body slick with perspiration. That in itself wasn't normal. He took a deep breath to try calm himself, but he couldn't. He wasn't in control of his body. Emotions he never thought he would be able to feel pushed to the surface. The soul that still existed deep within him, so deep he could almost never feel it, had found it's way to his mind.  
  
Angelus had never felt a bit of guilt about anything he had ever done. Now he could feel his heart twisting with pain as he thought of what he had done to Buffy. He had caused he so much pain. He had done things to her he was sure she never knew he could do. And he had loved it.  
  
Now, as his dream replayed itself in his mind, he began to feel what he had done to her.  
  
~  
  
Buffy stared blankly at the TV screen. She had been watching it since eight this morning, and it was now two thirty. But nothing said on the talk shows or old sitcom reruns registered in her mind. It was the third day that she had told her mother she was "sick" and had managed to get out of school. She didn't know how she would deal with school. Surely her friends would notice that she was acting weird and they would all question her until she flipped. She wouldn't be able to handle that.  
  
Buffy changed the channel again in hopes of finding something that could pull her mind from the horrible things that had happened to her, but she couldn't. With a sign, she turned off the TV and rolled onto her side. It was just past two, and her friends would be arriving home soon. Her mother wouldn't be home until six. So unless someone called her, she would have the next four hours to herself.  
  
Normally if she had that much time to relax, she's sleep. But she couldn't sleep. She closed her eyes and pictures of Angel hovering over her flashed before her. She pretended to sleep at night until her mother was asleep. Then she crept out onto the roof and cried. She's sit there until just before dawn, and she's watch the stars and wonder why her life had to be the way it was.  
  
Feeling tears well up in her eyes, she sealed them shut and shook her head. She couldn't cry any more. Her throat was raw and her eyes stung. Deciding she needed something to keep herself busy, she got out of bed and walked downstairs. Once in the kitchen she made herself a cup of tea and sat at the kitchen table, reading the newspaper. There had been no new deaths of any interest to her- a man had died of a heart attack, nothing super natural. She flipped though the rest of the paper looking for anything interesting, but found nothing.  
  
The phone rang. Buffy jumped and looked at the phone. She begged it to stop ringing. She didn't want to answer it. She let the answering machine pick up. It was Willow.  
  
"Buffy, I know you're home. Please pick up." There was a pause. "Buffy, please, I'm worried about you." After a moment Willow sighed. "Fine, I'll try back later."  
  
Buffy picked up the phone seconds before Willow hung up. "Will," she said softly. Buffy could hear her friend's breath a sign of relief that she had picked up the phone. "I need to talk."  
  
~  
  
Willow arrived moment later, driving faster than she had ever driven before. She knew her mother would kill her if she had seen how fast she'd been going. She walked up to the Summer's front door and walked in without knocking. Buffy was in the kitchen, sitting with a cup of tea in her hands. She looked awful, must like she had looked before the accident. "Buffy."  
  
Buffy looked up at her friend with tears stained eyes. "I don't know what to do, Will, I don't." A silver tear ran down her cheek. She blinked to stop the rest of the tears that stung her eyes. Willow hugged her friend, and Buffy lay her head against Willow's shoulder. She began to cry and didn't know if she would ever b able to stop.  
  
~  
  
Finally Buffy's sobs had subsided and she had told Willow the entire story of how Angelus had raped her. She cried the entire time and Willow had comforted her. Now they sat in silence, Willow digesting all the information, Buffy trying to stop the images of that night from running through her head like a silent movie. She didn't think they would ever truly go away.  
  
"I'm so sorry," Willow finally said. She didn't know what else to say. She was so angry with Angelus. All that was holding her back from going out and killing him was the knowledge that it would get her killed. She wanted him to pay for what he did to Buffy.  
  
Buffy opened her mouth to speak, but closed it again. She blinked a few times and then finally said. "I still love him." Willow looked up, her large eyes open wide with shock. "I don't know how I can possibly still love him, but I do." Tears stung her throat and she began to sob again. "I love the monster that raped me."  
  
"O, Buffy," Willow said. She took Buffy in her arms and held her while she cried. "Sometimes you can't help who you love. No matter how much they hurt you, you still love them. There is nothing you can do to change that." Her voice was soft and soothing and it helped Buffy. While she was still hurt, and still confused, she knew deep down, that she would get through this.  
  
And then she would finally be able to solve things. 


End file.
